Just Eat it!

Eat that frog By:Brian Tracy

My takeaway from reading the book.

There are 3 D's that will get you through life successfully:

• Decision
• Discipline
• Determination

Success begins with the simple thought of to. YOU have to DECIDE to succeed. 

Once you've made your decision you HAVE to be DISCIPLINED! Which means you 

will continue following through with your decision even if you no longer feel like it.

Lastly, you MUST stay DETERMINED to see yourself to the completion of your achievement.

Your next through will determine your future. Life is shaped by your daily choices, t's the smallest actions that have the biggest effect. Every small habit and repetitive action will build on itself to progress you or hold you back.  

If you have to eat 2 frogs; eat the ugliest first .If you have to workout & go grocery shopping and you hate both do the one you hate the most. For me that's working out! I don't hate it per say but if I don't do it early before my day gets started then chances are I'll just completely skip it. I HAVE to grocery shop or I won't eat & I love to eat! lol so that sets the order of events.

If you have to eat a live frog, don't look at it very long so:

1. Be selective
2. Prioritize 
3. Take immediate action
4. Develop a positive addiction to starting and finishing your tasks
5. Don't cheat yourself by taking shortcuts 

Let's get busy! I know I've been slacking but hey! I'm only human ;-P

Goodbye Joneses

Lets start over from scratch for the sake of my sanity.

This past 2 years I've been trying to "keep up with the Joneses" and I'm done.

I put my mental health, friendships, relationships and my life at stake trying to 

keep up a facade. 

If you are doing that right now please stop and save yourself the trouble.

I'm gonna go against the grain here and just be completely honest & sincerely human.

I am flawed, I'm the furthest thing from perfect & I'm finally coming to terms with that.

I do not have all the answers, I do not have any magical solutions and I have succumbed to the pressure of life. 

This year It's all about me and my family. My husband got orders (Military) to PCS to VA this spring and we're currently in the process of buying our first home. I'm really excited and looking forward to the changes. 

Resolutions aside, these are goals for this year:

1. Quit my retail therapy addiction
2. Empty my hoarding closet
3. Begin consistently contributing to our finances
4. Launch a YouTube channel
5. Teach my oldest about entrepreneurship 
6. Get her business started (she wants to make and sell crafts)
7. DIY the majority of our new home's needs
8. Lose the extra weight by my birthday
9. Bullet Journal Daily
10. Read all the books in my bedside bookshelf 
11. Pay off my credit cards
12. Believe in me again

I highly encourage you to make this year YOUR year- literally. 

Make your health & well being your priority!

Happy New Year! Until Next time <3

Condemnation Interferes with Intimacy

I know this is a pretty long video, but if you can spare an hour watch it.



Condemnation interferes with intimacy. 

When there is guilt you don't make room for a trusting loving relationship.

When you feel like you have to make up for something, you're busy working instead of building.

Slow your role!!! Get your relationships in order and work together.



God wants to know you. We know who God is, He knows who you are, but are you spending enough time with Him to confidently say you have a strong connection?

Would you consider it a loving relationship? Would you say you're friends, engaged, or married with God?

Are you wrapped up in ministries trying to win souls and feel like you're hitting a wall?

Or are you getting intimate with God, birthing souls and moving your ministries forward?

There IS a difference!!!

I share this with you because it really tugged at my heart.
It is time we dare to be loved but also dare to get intimate with God.
Intimacy is beautiful & some people are scared of it because it puts you in a vulnerable position... Lucky for us we know that God has been, is and always will be the same.

Put your trust in Him, delight in Him, praise Him, offer your body, heart & life to Him.

Then and only then will the desires of your heart align with His will for your life and it will be added to you.



So take a moment and reflect-
What are YOU doing RIGHT NOW?
What are you working towards? What are the reasons behind your works?
Are you feeling condemned or intimate with God?



This is not in any way to judge you or put you down- but more so to raise a personal awareness.
In humility I urge us all to do a heart check for our benefits.
It is my hope and prayer that we all reach the level of love and intimacy with God that we want and need.

Financial Fitness Challenge

This is scary.

 Challenges are meant to challenge you & challenges can lead to confrontation- 

which is one of the things I like to avoid.

I've stepped out in Faith to lead a Financial Fitness Group on Facebook.

As much as I'm leading, I'm also taking the challenge.

I've been given the tools so see it through from beginning to end,

but I have not gone through it on my own...

I want the daily challenge to catch me equally off guard

as it will to the other participants.

People often say that Money is the root of all evil. It's not. 

The love of money is the problem. 

When you think about money and potential- I don't think enough is ever enough.

If RIGHT NOW

Bill Gates came up to you and said he would give you whichever amount

 of money you asked of him- how much would you ask for?

Keep in mind that Bill is the wealthiest man in the world...

Would you ask him for just enough to get out of debt?

Enough to start a nice savings account?

Half of his fortune?

All of it?

More than what he currently has???

HOW MUCH is ENOUGH? 

Have you ever wondered why you don't have more than what you have??

I can admit that I'm guilty of this. I want more, not because I truly need more, 

but because I haven't properly handled what I've been given. 

If I can't handle what I have now- who's to say I would be able to handle more?

Therefore it is my hope that through this challenge I can learn to manage my finances in

a God honoring way. I fully trust that when I stop trying to control my spending and just give over Lordship to him in everything especially my finances- He will move drastically.

There a few things you need to know about God & finances. 

My personal take is that It starts with your tithe. 

If you don't believe it applies to you, why don't you go ahead 

and take God's challenge- test him in this.

Where ever you are & whatever you are facing 

reach out to him & let him love you.

Let your finances be a reflection of your God given dreams & destiny.

You were made to conquer & you are destined for greatness!

Don't let your finances, or lack there of, get in the way of achieving.

God bless <3

Competition Goals

I can't even begin to express the excitement bubbling in my chest.

 Do you know that heavy feeling you get in your chest when you carry your own burdens and confusion? 

I've had it for the longest time... 
Do you know that feeling you get when you have an epiphany, everything makes sense and you suddenly feel like you can fly???

Thats how I feel RIGHT NOW. 

I've always felt like I was meant for greater things but I never really knew what my purpose or potential was. I've been challenged, broken & abused as much as I've blessed with many talents.  I've been given a testimony, desires & dreams but I have never found the outlet to express myself passionately without too many requirements.

Most people probably get annoyed of hearing me say how much I love my job & how grateful I am for Beachbody... some may never fully understand what the Beachbody Challenge has done for me. 

It has opened my heart up to a whole new world that I never imagined I would want to be a part of.

I had been carrying an internal battle against depression, anxiety & PTSD from my childhood trauma & it was manifesting as emotional eating soI just kept packing on weight. 

I tried many things, a variety of meal replacement shakes, diet pills, girdles, wraps and deprivation. I'd lose weight & inches fast only to gain them right back with a few extra more.

My husband is an athletic fellow & he's always enjoyed watching his favorite sport, track & field. I hated watching the events and hear him marveling over these fast impressive women. All the runners with their short shorts, tight figures, muscular hot bodies & a lot of skin. 

I thought of it as exhibitionist and almost pornographical. Why couldn't they cover up???

I hated esthetic physiques. 

His father was into body building so he would often talk about training and what he too hoped to look some day . I couldn't look at image of a bikini or body competitor without feeling sick to my stomach. 
Male or female- it was repulsive.  

Since my journey with Beachbody began, my point of view and my life have changed quite a bit. I've realized that the abuse from my past doesn't have to define my life and it certainly cannot take away from my future potential. Any and all residual pain and anger can be worked off by simply pushing play. 

Working out is the greatest mood booster, better than anti depressants, which I had to take growing up. Depression, anxiety & PTSD are no longer an issue for me. I do have my bad days when I got to bed on top of the world  & wake up with the world on top of me but in the very least I am now confident in my own skin. I'm 25lbs down &  I'm proud of my body because I've worked hard for it.  Self image & self esteem are no longer a daily struggle. 

I am finally starting to love my self, I'm happy with my skin & the curves I've been blessed with.

For the very first time in my life I am looking at these body building competitors  and being inspired. I am sincerely sorry for harboring resentment in my heart and for all the hate I spewed over the past years. 

I'm done being a hater. I'm done letting  the lines get blurred between what I think & feel and what really is. 

 Now I can look an a body and appreciate it for what it is- a temple of God! I can appreciate all the work, time, dedication & sacrifice it takes to achieve it, because although I'm not there (YET) I have had to put in plenty of time & work  making difficult changes (like cutting out ICE CREAM!) to get to where I am.

I want to do something with the opportunity I've been given. I have put out my goals into the universe and I will not be stopped until I reach them. I've started and quit so many things in my life that I consider myself a failure.  

I didn't have a reason or purpose for doing the things I used to do, and that's ok, because I learned from my failures. In our team  Beachbody trainings I have learned that to succeed, I need to do more than work for it. 

In order to succeed I have to figure out and define why I want to do it- or inevitably I'll just quit. 

So I've dug deep, deeper than I ever let myself go and I found it. My motivation stems from my story (You can read it here). The people who have hurt me in the past, broke me & made me believe I was worthless and weak. This is my chance to prove them  & the world wrong. 
This is my opportunity to climb to the top of my mountain, to stand tall and unashamed. 

Every fiber in my being is screaming that THIS IS IT.

I want my physical body to visibly stand as strong as my faith. 

I want to experience a complete transformation and get closer to God as I shed the fat that I accumulated out of hurt and anger. 

I have never set a definite goal because I've been afraid to fail. Insecurities about whether or not I could succeed kept me from even trying.  When I first started my fitness journey I came up some random goals with no expiration date. 
But not this time. I'm giving myself a definite goal & timeline.
I want to compete- while I will have to stand in comparison with other competitors, I'm really only competing against my negative mind. I am convinced that once I set my plan in motion I won't fail unless I quit. 

AND I'M NOT QUITTING!!!!!

I ask for your help. PLEASE! Keep me accountable, Keep me motivated & Keep me in your prayers.

 

INSPIRED by this woman's 14 Week Bikini Transformation & Journey to the WBFF Worlds 2013

I Have A Story Project

I came across this picture on Instagram from @PoeticRainSDYP a fellow survivor and it inspired me to talk about my personal survival story.

WARNING: LONG EMOTIONAL & PERSONAL READ

Right here, Right now I declare that I'm breaking every chain that has ever held me back.

Everything happens for a reason, we don't always understand why we have to go through certain things, but know that "God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him." Romans 8:28 

Most of us go through life trying our best to hide our scars & the things we've experienced that made us who we are. We hide where we came from, where we started and who we used to be. Either because we are ashamed, it still hurts or it's still a secret struggle. We live our daily lives  trying to be something were not in fear of rejection. 

What would people think & say if they knew about the skeletons in my closet??

All the walls I have built to keep people out have also been the walls that have kept me in isolation. I've lived a life of hurt, darkness & fear! But boy am I glad I know that Jesus has saved me & that a day awaits where there will be no more pain, no more fears & no more tears!!! As a believer I AM meant to be the light on the hill, therefore there is no reason why I should keep any darkness within me. I'm setting it free.

What you know about your "friends" can be so superficial & artificial. You don't really know much about anyone besides what they post on Instagram & Facebook . 

There are no deep connections, relationships are meaningless. There is no intimacy, no depth & no roots. How can we relate to a stranger? It's simple- we can't. 

So in efforts of helping you understand who I am and why I do what I do- let me take you back into time as I open my heart to you.

Growing up my aunt lived with us and babysat me. When I turned 8 she married & moved in with her husband. Mom would have me stay with them over summer & winter breaks .Unbeknown to us, he was a porn addict. Porn to him was past beyond a quick indulgence, it was his drug of choice and he was addicted to it. So much so that watching alone was no longer enough- it had rewired his brain...  

It all began when I was playing with the neighbor behind the house & we noticed the TV was on in the master bedroom. We believed no one was home so we decided we should turn it off and return to our play time. We walked into the bedroom and immediately our eyes were magnetized to the screen. We sat at the edge of the bed and giggled. Thats when I heard him chuckle behind us. One hand under the blankets and the other stretched out towards the neighbor as he asked her to come hither.

Something was off, I didn't know what was going on but I knew it didn't feel right. Before her hand reached his I puller her arm away & told her she should go home. He looked at me menacingly & I ran out. That night I woke up to him sitting besides me as he explored my 8yr old body. I sat up in a panic and I told him I would scream if he didn't stop. He reached for his handgun and told me it was in my best interest to keep my mouth shut, otherwise he'd shoot my aunt while she slept, call my mom and shoot her as soon as she walked through the door and I'd be next. 

I decided 2 lives were worth more than my discomfort so I kept it a secret.  My mom was a single mom so she worked two jobs and didn't have time to look after me so she would send me away to spend vacations in their house. And so for the following 3 years, during every summer & winter breaks, I was accessible to him and he would sexually harass me. I am grateful that he never penetrated, but it doesn't make the years of abuse any less damaging. He forced me to watch his poisonous filth hoping that it would ignite something sexual in me. It didn't, it only made me hate my body. 

Summer of 2000 I got my menses and he was no longer interested. He ended after he sneaked into my shower to take pictures of me. A few weeks later he filed for divorce. I would have never understood why this happened until I read this book many years later. -->

I was 11. Things were changing so fast. I had just started 6th grade, I had been exposed to things beyond the innocence of my peers and my body was going through changes.

I hated myself. I hated my body. 

I hated my skin. I hated my life. 

How could God let this happen to me? Wasn't it enough to make me grow up without a father? Why did the first male role model in my life have to take advantage of me??

I started to self mutilate. 

Cutting was my escape.

I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to cut deep enough for it to hurt & to bleed. I had trouble sleeping and I was afraid of the dark. 

I'd close my eyes and see him there grimacing as he touched me. 

The mental torture became unbearable I just had to hurt my body to shift my mind to a different source of pain and numb my head & heart.

I was 5'4 & 127 pounds by the end of 6th grade. I did not have the body of a child. At the age of 12, I had male suitors ranging from ages 16 to 24. I hated them for wanting me. I hated my curves. I hated the compliments. I trusted no one. To hide my scars & my curves I became a tomboy. A loner. A misfit. Misunderstood, neglected & alone. Mom worked 2 jobs so I had enough time alone to get into trouble.  I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and picked up smoking cigarettes.

 In efforts to set me straight, my mother sent me to Mexico to live with my grandmother. She put me in an all girls Catholic school. It might have worked but I blamed her for what happened. If she had not sent me away during vacations, if she had kept a close eye on me, if she didn't work so much, If only.... maybe my childhood would have been differently.  Once again, she was sending me away. 

My cousin was the leader of the street hooligans, so to spite my mom I hung out with them. My grandmother was old and busy praying for everyone else, so I was free to roam. I was riding motorcycles, staying out past midnight. Wearing thick black eye liner, a smoke in my hand, chucks on my feet, loose dickies, a muscle tank & my studded belt- I declared my independence.

The week after my 13th birthday we had a death in the family. My grandma & all the adults were gone for the 24hr funeral viewing and prayer. I was  the oldest girl who stayed behind so I was left in charge of 5 of my younger cousins. My older cousin & his crew "guarded" the house. Around 2am Some of the fellas came in and started smoking pot. They turned on the tv & put on the nudie channel. They were being loud, the smoke was seeping through the closed door & the sleeping toddlers were stirring up. Hot headed as I was I confronted the guys. One guy told another guy to "handle me" so they could enjoy the show on the screen.

He picked me up & dragged to the back of the house with a hand over my mouth. He was high & excited and from the look in his eyes I just knew what was about to happen. As soon as he removed his hand from my mouth I spit in his face. He punched my chin knocking me off my feet & onto my back. Knock out. When I came to my senses there he was taking what little virtue I had left.  

Already feeling unloved & worthless the fight within me was dying. With my breaking heart, eyes swelled with tears, my voice failed. Whispering sobs of "no don't, please stop" went unheard. 

I wished with all my heart that I could just die. 

I gave up. I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep, all I did was cry. For the reminder of the year I didn't leave home except for school. I failed all my classes.

On New years eve had a Bronchospasm, in my room while everyone was celebrating. My airways had constricted & there was very little oxygen coming in. I passed out. Luckily someone came in to give me a new years hug & found me. I was rushed to the hospital just in time, good thing because it was with this brush with death that I decided The best revenge I could have was TO LIVE. 
Life had taken so much from me and it was time for me to start taking back. I was not about to let go of my dreams to someday marry, have kids, own a dog, buy a house, travel & catch bad guys. I was determined not to die and be remembered as that sad confused girl who was moping around the last few months of her life. That was NOT an option. I was going to LIVE and I was going to find TRUE LOVE & I was going to lead life of HAPPINESS.

My mom brought me back to California. We moved to a new house, but I went back to the same school. I took a look at my old friends & saw that they were not headed to where I wanted to be, so I was once again I found myself a loner. 

It felt like forever but then I started High school. As luck would have it, I got jumped by 3 girls & a guy in my first week!!! The victim in me wanted to give up, but the fighter in me had a plan in motion. 

My mom put me in a martial arts school to learn self defense. My grades went up, I joined extra curricular activities in school. I was part of the school pride leadership team & the theater production company. I was a karate kid Tuesdays & Thursdays and singer, dancer & actress on Monday, Wednesdays & Fridays. Gaining strength & learning self discipline in martial arts, gaining confidence & learning to laugh and play in the theater club. 

Being on stage made me feel alive. I could be me & I wouldn't be judged. I became strong & fit. I was able to kick through 4 boards & defend myself. I got the lead role in the play, I sang a solo & dance my heart out on stage while people watched & clapped for me. Life was looking up.

 I also joined the police explorer program for kids interested in law enforcement. I made new friends. I went to an explorer police academy. It was 6 days of what I imagine basic training is like. Officers screaming in your face, having to run everywhere with a buddy, morning group runs, marching, chow hall, bunks, 3min shared showers, long hours of lectures, obstacle courses, bonding with your fellow group members &  graduation. 

 A couple of weeks before my 15th birthday, Sophomore year, I met my "High School sweetheart."(If it could even be called that, he had already graduated.) We dated steady for the duration of my High School experience. 

I had performed 2yrs in a row for the school theater club, I earned my black belt & I got several certificates from the Police explorer program. My Junior year I decided to try out for the cheerleading squad. Senior year was the best. I belonged. I was part of something. I had finished my academic classes early and had the easiest elective class. I was living, loving & being happy. I graduated with a 3.7 at the age of 17. 

My father was now involved and wanted to be a part of my life. He talked to my mom because  he wanted me to spend some time with him. He flew me out to him the week after graduating.  He told me he wanted to put me in the most prestigious private university in Mexico. So I packed my bags & kissed my 3yr boyfriend goodbye. 

My dad was married and his wife didn't know about me. To buy himself some time, I had to stay at his lady friends house. She told me he had been married 3 times & I had 7 half brothers & sisters with 4 different moms. I actually had a brother who was 2months older than me, but he had tragically passed away in a freak playground accident. 

This lady friend of his had 2 sons of her own, one was 18 & the other 21. I was there for 5days before my dad came around again, in the mean time she had her boys show me around town. Motorcycle rides, carnivals, sport events, movies, and they even tried teaching me how to drive. I was a confident athletic girl so wherever we went the guys introduced me as their girlfriend and they got praised, it was flattering.

My father had retired from Law enforcement as a narcotics division commander. He had saved & invested in several businesses in town. Co-Owner of gas stations, bakeries, super markets, condos & restaurants. He was  building me a house & bought a restaurant in my name. Whatever revenues came through the restaurant were for my bills & me. He took me car shopping, but I didn't know how to drive so we skipped it. Trips to the mall, vacations, I met some of my siblings and I wasn't alone. Life was golden.

School would start soon so my dad sat me down & told me to think seriously about living there permanently. I had flight tickets to return back home to talk it over with my mom. It was now late July & I was still underage so my mom would had to approve of my decision. 

I had stayed at his lady friends house during my entire 6week visit. My last day we all went out to a water park & being wet all day had me feeling under the weather. I took a double doze of NyQuil, I had a noon flight so I wanted to get a good nights rest. 

That night there was a really bad thunder storm. The house I was staying in was in mid construction. There were 3 bedrooms on the second floor but there was no roof over the entire area. Stepping out of the door from my room was like walking out into the roof. Next to my door was her younger son's door, the other room was used for storage.

I had been so caught up basking in happiness over my change of luck I didn't notice he had become compulsively obsessed with me. 

I recall waking up to the sound of a loud thundering crash. I saw him sitting on the edge of my bed rocking back & forth with a butchers knife in his hand looking at me intensely.  It felt like de-javu. He said to me:  "You can't leave. You can't leave me. I love you more than life and I can't lose you. I'd rather die..."  taking the knife to his neck. He threateningly asked "Do you love me? or should I end it?" I responded "I do, I love you! Please don't do that!" 

Still drowsy & eyes half opened I reached for the knife trying to deescalate by saying I had to leave but I'd be back shortly to start school anyways. 

 He opened his arms gesturing for a hug & I reluctantly gave in. With his arms wrapped around me he reached for the knife and now it was against my neck  

"Prove to me that you love me or I'll kill you for lying" he whispered in my ear.

I nervously laughed saying he should stop playing & that we needed to go back to sleep. He chuckled, let go & turned away. 

Naively assuming he was leaving, I turned walking back towards my bed... 

A loud thud, sharp pain & confusion. He had pushed my head into the wall & my body fell limp... The rest was a blur. I have faint memories of the knife, one hand on my neck & the other over my mouth. Next thing I remember, I was waking up in pain and bruised. 

I showered & scrubbed violently breaking my skin into visible blood filled pores. 

The hot water ran cold & then my dad knocked on the door. It was time to go. I quickly got dressed & came down stairs. Still raining & hair dripping wet from the shower, my tears blended in. I didn't see him on my way out. A quiet ride to the airport and I hugged my father tightly one last time. Goodbye. (And I haven't seen him since.  This was in 2006)

When I returned home & didn't breathe a word. I wanted to black it out & pretend it never happened. I signed up for the Santa Monica community college starting early September.  It was just a few blocks from the beach & the ocean has always been a place of comfort for me. The first day of school I was in a hurry, school was a 2hr bus ride away so didn't eat breakfast . I felt nauseous & nervous. My mouth was dry & I was hungry so I drank a ton of water &  had to pee every 15mins. I didn't really want to be there. I was depressed again and I couldn't focus. The 2nd day of school I just felt plain sick. I ditched classes and went to the pier. I stared down into the water thinking about jumping over the rail. My life was a train wreck. I attracted negative energy everywhere I went. What was the point? There was none- Period!... 

Period... when was my last period... early July...

I quickly made my way to the nearest pharmacy. I purchased 4 sticks & all showed 2 lines.

I was so afraid, but at the same time followed by an odd sense of peace, I felt relief. 

I called one of the cheerleaders who had had a baby. We weren't close, but I didn't know who else to turn to for help. She was very kind & took me to 2 clinics. Sure enough positive urinalysis & blood test.

Staff nurse : "How old are  you?",  Me :"17", nurse: "Do you work?", me: "no", nurse: "'ok well, You're only 8weeks along, do you want me to schedule you for a termination?"... 

I don't think i have ever felt so much anger in my life as I did in that moment. It was just sinking in that I was capable of creating the miracle of life.

After feeling like all my reasons to live were taken from me- now I had something, or better said, someone to live for. 

How dare she insinuate that I should terminate MY unborn child?? I replied by saying she could terminate our services because I was going elsewhere for my prenatal care.

 I was an active girl. I had strong core. I didn't start showing until late November... I thought I could hide it but my mom found my pregnancy results, confronted me & kicked me out of the house with only the clothes on my back because I didn't want to talk about it. Eventually my mom got over it & let me back in.

 I was determined to do whatever it took, I worked during my pregnancy so I could afford to provide for my heaven sent angel. I went back to school full time when my baby was 4months old & I worked part time. I wanted to do something and be someone my child could be proud of.

I am NOT a victim. 

God gave me this life because he knew I could handle it. I AM STRONG, because I am weak, and in my weakness his strength is magnified. I'm sharing this with you because my life is a testimony that no matter what happens THERE IS HOPE. I'm not going to hide what made me who I am. I choose to fight, vocalize my story so others can find strength in it. 

 I know God had a purpose for the way things happened. I've grown, matured, gained strength & wisdom. I was able to speak at a rape survivor conference & give my testimony. I  touched the lives of those few I shared my story with. I have opened the eyes of many & changed stand points in regards to rape abortions. I'm very much Pro-Life. God makes no mistakes. No matter if your parents planned you, it was an "accident" or a misfortune- God had a plan for your life before you were conceived. 
Going through a traumatic experience like this kills the innermost sense of self, your value, your worth. You're left feeling weak, dirty & used. Add an abortion on top and now you have guilt, shame, regret on top- the perfect recipe for disaster. 
I don't pass judgement on those who take that route. God BLESSED me with courage, strength & favor. Even when my family looked down on me for having a child out of wedlock I pushed forward. My mom refused to tell anyone what happened, so everyone believed my 3yr boyfriend was the father. To them I was a piece of work. 

PLEASE- DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER.

Perhaps someone going through something similar will read this & feel like they are not alone. Perhaps you know someone who acts crazy & you think is a lost cause but you've never taken the time to look them in the eyes and ask whats going on. 
Don't add to their struggle if you don't know what demons they're fighting.

 I was created to overcome obstacles. I was created to believe and achieve. I was created to lift & inspire others and I was made to lead. My fitness journey has encouraged me to make my body a reflection of my  faith and inner strength. I want to transform my lifestyle to match the transformation of my heart, mind & spirit. 

When my day comes, I want to be remembered as the woman who dared to dream big and wasn't scared to follow them. The woman who achieved everything she set her mind to. 
I want to get to the top of my mountain & yell that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; you just have to keep going to reach it. Telling my story gives a voice to those who have been silenced. It is my wish to give strength to those who have been broken. 

We are survivors, we are strong & we are beautiful. 

DARE TO BE LOVED- YOU DESERVE IT NO MATTER HOW FAR YOUVE GONE, HOW MUCH YOU'VE BROKEN, OR HOW BAD YOU THINK YOU'VE MESSED UP. GOD'S GRACE AND LOVE ARE GREATER THAN ANY OF IT AND HIS HEALING IS UP FOR THE TAKING. I CHALLENGE YOU TO INVITE HIM INTO YOUR HEART, MAKE HIM YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR SO THAT HE CAN RENEW YOUR SPIRIT AND GIVE YOU PEACE. <3

Daring to Dream

I haven't been keeping up. I've been crazy running around like a lost sheep without a trail. I've been wandering in the dessert & I have been wanting for more.
But why more? More of what? More shoes, more food, more clothes, more money, more friends, more time... No... What I needed more of was Jesus.
I signed up for this and that, I went here & there... searching, wanting & not finding.
What's missing? My husband! My spiritual leader! I miss him!!!
I'm tired, I'm exhausted, It's been one thing after another. I wanted a break, I needed a break, but I wasn't getting one. Why? Was this a test? Did I have to keep going through it because I was failing & I couldn't get on to the next level until I passed?
Then something happened. One of my friends from bible study, who's been itching to start working out but couldn't due to pregnancy had her baby. Her husband is deployed & she has an older child. A mutual friend from bible study,  pretty much took over the parenting  responsibilities.
 This friend's husband was away for a 6wk training & she has a child of her own. While he was gone, she decided to start  her health & fitness challenge. She made a lifestyle change by doing Insanity. I saw the exhaustion in her eyes, but not once did she complain.
I watched said child for a night & it was a very interesting dynamic to have 4 children under 1 roof with no help, but it was refreshing.
 An act of selfless service ~ just a splash of joy to my thirsting soul.

I started to look around, I another friend of mine who has autistic twins is making changes to her lifestyle, she started out with P90X3 & then Les Mills Combat. She has lost 30lbs since the year started- her husband is also deployed. My neighbor has 5kids, the 4th has trisomi 18 & has surgeries coming up, she too is doing her fitness while her husband is deployed. A photography client of mine also has a special needs child with surgeries coming up. Her husband just recently deployed & I had the privilege to shoot some family pictures before his departure & she's been working hard on her fitness. Another client & now friend of mine with a deployed spouse & child, went back home to finish her high school credits to earn her diploma AND started working on her fitness. Where am I getting with this?
While I was feeling sorry for myself & my lack of joy & desire- these strong powerful women started flourishing  like flowers in spring around me. What did they all have in common? Fitness.

SO I looked into my own fitness, I was working out sporadically, enough to maintain but not enough to push forward. I was going through the motions. I'd burn off 300 calories to justify eating an extra serving of food. Not necessarily junk food, but out of my proportions. 
I know my weaknesses. I'm an emotional eater. When I feel bad, I eat, when I eat, I gain weight, when I gain weight, I feel bad & the cycle starts over. Missing my husband was making me sad but do I want my husband to come home to a fat, sad/angry wife? No. Do I want my kids to watch me put myself through that? No. So I said: Enough, something's gotta give. 
Then God winked at me. I had just finished my sewing orders when I got recommended & chosen out of a list of several to shoot a home school graduation. I've always had it in my heart to home school. But how? 

We barely get by on a single government subsidized income & my husband wants out. We've talked about him staying in long enough for all the kids to start school before separating from the military because lets face it, no way, no how a family of 5 can survive in this economy out in the civilian world off a single income. 

"Well why don't YOU work?" I often get asked. "Even if I did get a job, I'd end up paying more than my pay check to cover child care expenses, we'll need a second car, pay insurance on that, gas... it costs money to make money!"
So I met these kids & they were wonderful well rounded individuals. I looked at their parents and they were proud & fulfilled. I asked a set of moms "How do you like homeschooling?" ~ "It's well worth the sacrifice, but it has to be in your heart." 

I came home & I started VISUALIZING what it would be like, except my phone kept beeping with facebook notifications & I kept getting side tracked. 

Then God winked at me again. On a single income, we can't afford fancy phones, so my little android keeps running out of memory space. The biggest chunk of memory space was being occupied by facebook- what a coincidence, so was my day. So with all the pain in my heart, I did the unthinkable, I deleted the app. 
It freed up the memory on my phone & it freed up so much time for me too. 

So what did I do on facebook? I read people's status updates... hmmm reading... wait a minute, I HAVE a list of things I wanted to complete over deployment... where was it? Oh there it wass #1. Read 9 books, 1 per month of deployment. Holly molly we're on month 3, I'm 3 books behind!!!

Did you know that 58% of high school graduates wont read another book after leaving high school? Crazy right? Well if you know me, you know that I don't take kindly to being called a statistic, so I try my hardest to do the opposite.
So I started reading my Bible again, but for real this time, I've been reading for about a week straight & writing about it! Finding the Rhema, Promise, Command, Warning & Application out of my reading. 
Then I looked at my bookshelf & out of the approximately 20 new books that I have yet to read, the one that called out to me was: "The Slight Edge: Secret to a Successful Life" By Jeff Olson

I invested in this book about 4yrs ago when I had joined a business opportunity I quit on... I have signed up for 8 different business opportunities in the past century & the one thing they all shared in common was: SELF DEVELOPMENT.
 
So I started to read. There's 168 pages in this book I'm on page 117- wow, what a game changer.
I was so filled with purpose & desire that I went out & purchased another 8 books! Now I have my 9 titles to read by deployment's end!

Self development is knowledge & knowledge is power. So this entire week I've been pushing myself harder in my work outs, I started walking/jogging, I started waking up earlier, I actually finally started practicing the 3 vital behaviors for success. 

2 nights ago I visited a church with a friend of mine & it was amazing. She too is working on her fitness. Sadly I became privy of a struggle she is going through. This is a very dear friend to me, so her struggle hurt deep in my heart, because I've been there. I immediately took the personal development CD's out of my stereo & handed them over. I hope she listened to them. All the drive home I prayed, when I got home I prayed before bed & yesterday morning when I woke up the burden was so heavy in my heart but I had run out of thoughts & words.

Romans 8:26-28 The Message (MSG)

^26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

During the visit of that church I was reminded of who I serve, the great I AM, the all powerful, all knowing, all wonderful & all mighty God. There was an altar call, we should have gone up but she held back. God nudged me to nudge her, but she declined & I settled. We were in the 3rd row, closed in by 2 other people but the 2 rows in front of us were empty. Had I been bold enough I would have more than happily jumped over the seats to get to the front... but my feet were glued to the ground. In the church where I was saved, during encounter, they told us the holly spirit could not speak through us if we didn't open our mouths. I heard people speaking in tongues & it was frightening. I didn't open my mouth then, I was too afraid. Well not anymore, if not for anything else this week of self development brought me to the conclusion that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. What ever I ask for in the name of Jesus will be granted, but I must:

Matthew 7:7-11 The Voice (VOICE)

⁷ Just ask and it will be given to you; seek after it and you will find. Continue to knock and the door will be opened for you. ⁸ All who ask receive. Those who seek, find what they seek. And he who knocks, will have the door opened.

⁹ Think of it this way: if your son asked you for bread, would you give him a stone? Of course not—you would give him a loaf of bread. ¹⁰ If your son asked for a fish, would you give him a snake? No, to be sure, you would give him a fish—the best fish you could find. ¹¹ So if you, who are sinful, know how to give your children good gifts, how much more so does your Father in heaven, who is perfect, know how to give great gifts to His children!

So I opened my mouth, and he spoke, tears flowing down my face, arms lifted high & my face to the heavens. What an amazing feeling of overwhelming peace. Friend,if you're reading this, read Romans 8:28-39. Everything is going to be ok.

Whats the point to my story? Evey thing effects everything. The condition of your personal growth has an effect on your physical & spiritual fitness which affects your physical health, thus affecting your emotional health, your financial health, your relationships, your purpose,& how you spend your time.

I don't have time or the desire to be upset or have negative energy over things I can't control. I've got 3 kids I have to put a happy face on for. Be I; sick, sore, tired, lonely- I do what I have to do. I will struggle, but the thing that I thank God I learned early in life, it's that Life is 10% what happens & 90% how you deal with it. There is a very dark deep painful emotional loneliness & depression that can swallow me whole if I let it. But if I let it, what service am I doing my husband& my kids?

 I Love my husband, and I am proud of what he's doing. Yes, I've got my hands full with my munchkins but he's sacrificing his bed, his cuddle sessions, our quality time & affection- for what? to provide for US.
 The very least I can do for him, is to I get up, get dressed, show up AND get on with the day regardless of how I'm feeling.I have finally found my WHY POWER.

 I don't just think  that it would be nice if my husband came home to a fit wife. I desire with my inner most being to do my very best to make him proud of me. I want him to know that his sacrifices were not in vain. I want to shock & awe him when he gets home with what I've accomplished while he was away. 
I don't want him to come home to the me I was before he left, because although there's nothing wrong with that me, that me can be so much better. I am not yet to where I want to be, but I'm much better that where I used to be & he deserves every single improvement & upgrade. 

The thing about wanting things, is that you can either sit back thinking about what you want wishing that your dreams would come true, if you still allow yourself to dream. Or you can get up and do whatever it takes to go get them.The only way to build your dreams is to build them. Literally. So build your dreams or get hired to build someone elses dream. 

My plate is full, my hands are full, my day is not nearly long enough to accomplish the things I set out to do. But I try my best do them, because I want my husband to know that I love him & I want to honor him &God with everything I do. I choose to do something positive with my current situation, my unfortunate circumstance.

You CAN help others only IF help yourself FIRST, so do yourself a favor & pick up a self development book & read just 10 pages a day. For things to get better,YOU have to get better. Do that which will move you forward & onward. The week has 7 days and "Someday" is not one of them. Ultimately YOU decide what you do. The choice is yours. Ask. Seek. Knock. Dare to dream & dare to be loved.

I'm dreaming & I'm dreaming big. Fitness is definitely the industry to work in. In a world of instant gratification- fast food is on the rise. A new McDonald's just opened outside gate 4! 

I'm believing God for success. A Prophet told my husband he has an evangelical pastoral calling on his life & he has a missionary heart. We're supposed to tithe 10% of our earnings to God, I declare here & now that my goal is to make enough to where I can support our family with 10% of our income so we can give 90% back. Missionary trips, new churches, schools, shelters, wherever God needs us I want to go there. 
We can't go now because we cannot afford it, but if God has put it in my heart I know there is a reason. 
Yes I know, those are big dreams, but guess what? My God is BIGGER! There are no impossibles for him.

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