In my feelings...

The other day on my drive to work I heard a story on the radio that broke my heart. It was about a young girl who had a terminal disease and had only days left of life. Her wish was to marry her best friend one day and he agreed. Mind you they were both under 10, never the less the parents set up a ceremony and they got "married". The young girl died just a couple days later...

It pained my heart but as much as I wanted to sit there and shed a tear, I was running late so I rushed out from my car and buried it. Almost toward the end of my 4 hour shift a little boy approached me and asked if I worked there. He told me his mom was having a hard time finding her size so I followed him back to his mother who had her back towards me.

"Mommy I found someone to help you!" he said excitedly as she turned around. Half of her face, chest and her left arm were covered in burn marks... "Malachi don't bother the lady, I'm ok" she said embarrassed avoiding eye contact. I asked her what size she needed and offered my help but she declined- so I wrote her size down for Malachi and showed him how to look for it on the drawers. He is 6yrs old and had a younger brother with him no older than 3. As they were leaving he approached me again and said  "I'm sad we couldn't find her size but thank you for your help." The look of disappointment in his eyes, like he let his mom down- it burned right through me.

I couldn't help but wonder what happened to her. Did she run into a burning building to save her sons? Did an abusive husband burn her in an act of violence for trying to keep her boys safe? I'll never know, but what I do know is that Malachi looked at his mother like she was the most beautiful woman in the world and he loves her deeply.

Then I got home and watched some Grey's Anatomy and cried my eyes out... There is so much that I feel through out my day that I can't react to, that finally being able to feel and express it openly from under my covers is a much needed cathartic release. And then after all of that, I get to lay down in my comfy bed, in my house, next to my loving husband, with our healthy loving children sleeping upstairs and our loyal dogs laying close by protective of us all. Overwhelmed with gratitude, I back to waterworks until I eventually fall asleep...

I used to hate being so darn sensitive and emotional, but I feel so blessed to have the ability to emphasize, sympathize and feel so deeply. Just as the smallest things can bring so much pain, they can also bring so much joy! It's almost funny when my 5yr old sees me tearing up and asks me "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" and I have to explain happy tears.

It's ok to feel folks! You're entitled to having emotions- just don't stay stuck in a bad one... Night will fall, but the sun will always rise again. 🌞

Reflections on 2015

As this year comes to an end, I am grateful to have survived the whirlwind.
I ended 2014 on a very high note and set really high expectations for this year but I didn't build a sturdy foundation.
So as I took a big leap of excitement, I was met by a mighty downfall into helplessness.
This year resurfaced a lot of forgotten scars, and depression took hold of me.
I basically fell off the face of the Earth and the world went on.
I had been so ashamed and afraid to ask for help that I fell into a very dark and lonely place.

Thankfully my God is bigger than my demons and his grace is sweeter than my bitter pain.
A dear friend of mine shared with me that she too was struggling with some issues and encouraged me to talk to my primary care physician.

I started taking prescription drugs for depression and anxiety and put on about 50 lbs.

It was trial an error for a bit, I spent about 8 months just barely gasping for air.
More recently my prescription switched and I'm starting to feel a little more like myself again.
I'm still struggling with my weight but I'm working towards self acceptance and loving improvement.

On a more positive note, I ran for the PTO at my daughter's school and joined the board as the Fundraising coordinator.
I was head cheer coach for my church's Upward sports program and I started singing with the worship team.

I fell truly madly deeply involve with Doctor Who & I made the bestest friend I could ever ask for.

I chopped all my hair off #StressLevel:Britney lol, and I often have the most deep and intricate world changing conversations inside my head and I always forget to write things out.
I have the most eloquent and passionate debates with myself about hot topics but I bite my tongue in public because I'm afraid I won't be heard and my thoughts won't matter.
 On the bright side my brain is so overstimulated I have the most heart racing dreams!
Anyhow, I seem to have waged a war against Facebook and the news.
I'm depressed enough- aint no body got time for that!
 Well, if you have time for Facebook- you probably don't have time for anything else.

Anyway, one of my new years resolutions was to get closer to my ma... I love the woman more than I care to admit but for the life of me I can't seem to show it.
I remember yelling at her in 5th grade that she was gonna be the reason I would grow up to be medicated and spend all my money on a psychiatrist and here we are.
Everyday I wage a battle between making my mom a part of my life while trying my hardest to be the exact opposite of her and be a better parent to my kids.
I'm so afraid that my munchkins will grow up and feel about me the way I feel about her.
I will have to continue working on that.

So over all I feel like I failed at life this year, but I learned that it's OK to fail!
No body is perfect, everyone is unique and special in their own way. I'm special, I'm delicate, I'm fragile, I'm sensitive and I love myself as I am.
I'm not yet where I want to be but I've come a long way.

Things I did this year to improve myself:

Meditation

Accupuncture

EFT

Self Discovery/Enlightenment

Journaling

Getting out of the house

So there you have it. I usually challenge you to dare to be loved- this year I rose to the challenge.

I love and I am loved! You are too!

May the next year bring you peace and serenity!

Condemnation Interferes with Intimacy

I know this is a pretty long video, but if you can spare an hour watch it.



Condemnation interferes with intimacy. 

When there is guilt you don't make room for a trusting loving relationship.

When you feel like you have to make up for something, you're busy working instead of building.

Slow your role!!! Get your relationships in order and work together.



God wants to know you. We know who God is, He knows who you are, but are you spending enough time with Him to confidently say you have a strong connection?

Would you consider it a loving relationship? Would you say you're friends, engaged, or married with God?

Are you wrapped up in ministries trying to win souls and feel like you're hitting a wall?

Or are you getting intimate with God, birthing souls and moving your ministries forward?

There IS a difference!!!

I share this with you because it really tugged at my heart.
It is time we dare to be loved but also dare to get intimate with God.
Intimacy is beautiful & some people are scared of it because it puts you in a vulnerable position... Lucky for us we know that God has been, is and always will be the same.

Put your trust in Him, delight in Him, praise Him, offer your body, heart & life to Him.

Then and only then will the desires of your heart align with His will for your life and it will be added to you.



So take a moment and reflect-
What are YOU doing RIGHT NOW?
What are you working towards? What are the reasons behind your works?
Are you feeling condemned or intimate with God?



This is not in any way to judge you or put you down- but more so to raise a personal awareness.
In humility I urge us all to do a heart check for our benefits.
It is my hope and prayer that we all reach the level of love and intimacy with God that we want and need.

Competition Goals

I can't even begin to express the excitement bubbling in my chest.

 Do you know that heavy feeling you get in your chest when you carry your own burdens and confusion? 

I've had it for the longest time... 
Do you know that feeling you get when you have an epiphany, everything makes sense and you suddenly feel like you can fly???

Thats how I feel RIGHT NOW. 

I've always felt like I was meant for greater things but I never really knew what my purpose or potential was. I've been challenged, broken & abused as much as I've blessed with many talents.  I've been given a testimony, desires & dreams but I have never found the outlet to express myself passionately without too many requirements.

Most people probably get annoyed of hearing me say how much I love my job & how grateful I am for Beachbody... some may never fully understand what the Beachbody Challenge has done for me. 

It has opened my heart up to a whole new world that I never imagined I would want to be a part of.

I had been carrying an internal battle against depression, anxiety & PTSD from my childhood trauma & it was manifesting as emotional eating soI just kept packing on weight. 

I tried many things, a variety of meal replacement shakes, diet pills, girdles, wraps and deprivation. I'd lose weight & inches fast only to gain them right back with a few extra more.

My husband is an athletic fellow & he's always enjoyed watching his favorite sport, track & field. I hated watching the events and hear him marveling over these fast impressive women. All the runners with their short shorts, tight figures, muscular hot bodies & a lot of skin. 

I thought of it as exhibitionist and almost pornographical. Why couldn't they cover up???

I hated esthetic physiques. 

His father was into body building so he would often talk about training and what he too hoped to look some day . I couldn't look at image of a bikini or body competitor without feeling sick to my stomach. 
Male or female- it was repulsive.  

Since my journey with Beachbody began, my point of view and my life have changed quite a bit. I've realized that the abuse from my past doesn't have to define my life and it certainly cannot take away from my future potential. Any and all residual pain and anger can be worked off by simply pushing play. 

Working out is the greatest mood booster, better than anti depressants, which I had to take growing up. Depression, anxiety & PTSD are no longer an issue for me. I do have my bad days when I got to bed on top of the world  & wake up with the world on top of me but in the very least I am now confident in my own skin. I'm 25lbs down &  I'm proud of my body because I've worked hard for it.  Self image & self esteem are no longer a daily struggle. 

I am finally starting to love my self, I'm happy with my skin & the curves I've been blessed with.

For the very first time in my life I am looking at these body building competitors  and being inspired. I am sincerely sorry for harboring resentment in my heart and for all the hate I spewed over the past years. 

I'm done being a hater. I'm done letting  the lines get blurred between what I think & feel and what really is. 

 Now I can look an a body and appreciate it for what it is- a temple of God! I can appreciate all the work, time, dedication & sacrifice it takes to achieve it, because although I'm not there (YET) I have had to put in plenty of time & work  making difficult changes (like cutting out ICE CREAM!) to get to where I am.

I want to do something with the opportunity I've been given. I have put out my goals into the universe and I will not be stopped until I reach them. I've started and quit so many things in my life that I consider myself a failure.  

I didn't have a reason or purpose for doing the things I used to do, and that's ok, because I learned from my failures. In our team  Beachbody trainings I have learned that to succeed, I need to do more than work for it. 

In order to succeed I have to figure out and define why I want to do it- or inevitably I'll just quit. 

So I've dug deep, deeper than I ever let myself go and I found it. My motivation stems from my story (You can read it here). The people who have hurt me in the past, broke me & made me believe I was worthless and weak. This is my chance to prove them  & the world wrong. 
This is my opportunity to climb to the top of my mountain, to stand tall and unashamed. 

Every fiber in my being is screaming that THIS IS IT.

I want my physical body to visibly stand as strong as my faith. 

I want to experience a complete transformation and get closer to God as I shed the fat that I accumulated out of hurt and anger. 

I have never set a definite goal because I've been afraid to fail. Insecurities about whether or not I could succeed kept me from even trying.  When I first started my fitness journey I came up some random goals with no expiration date. 
But not this time. I'm giving myself a definite goal & timeline.
I want to compete- while I will have to stand in comparison with other competitors, I'm really only competing against my negative mind. I am convinced that once I set my plan in motion I won't fail unless I quit. 

AND I'M NOT QUITTING!!!!!

I ask for your help. PLEASE! Keep me accountable, Keep me motivated & Keep me in your prayers.

 

INSPIRED by this woman's 14 Week Bikini Transformation & Journey to the WBFF Worlds 2013

I Have A Story Project

I came across this picture on Instagram from @PoeticRainSDYP a fellow survivor and it inspired me to talk about my personal survival story.

WARNING: LONG EMOTIONAL & PERSONAL READ

Right here, Right now I declare that I'm breaking every chain that has ever held me back.

Everything happens for a reason, we don't always understand why we have to go through certain things, but know that "God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him." Romans 8:28 

Most of us go through life trying our best to hide our scars & the things we've experienced that made us who we are. We hide where we came from, where we started and who we used to be. Either because we are ashamed, it still hurts or it's still a secret struggle. We live our daily lives  trying to be something were not in fear of rejection. 

What would people think & say if they knew about the skeletons in my closet??

All the walls I have built to keep people out have also been the walls that have kept me in isolation. I've lived a life of hurt, darkness & fear! But boy am I glad I know that Jesus has saved me & that a day awaits where there will be no more pain, no more fears & no more tears!!! As a believer I AM meant to be the light on the hill, therefore there is no reason why I should keep any darkness within me. I'm setting it free.

What you know about your "friends" can be so superficial & artificial. You don't really know much about anyone besides what they post on Instagram & Facebook . 

There are no deep connections, relationships are meaningless. There is no intimacy, no depth & no roots. How can we relate to a stranger? It's simple- we can't. 

So in efforts of helping you understand who I am and why I do what I do- let me take you back into time as I open my heart to you.

Growing up my aunt lived with us and babysat me. When I turned 8 she married & moved in with her husband. Mom would have me stay with them over summer & winter breaks .Unbeknown to us, he was a porn addict. Porn to him was past beyond a quick indulgence, it was his drug of choice and he was addicted to it. So much so that watching alone was no longer enough- it had rewired his brain...  

It all began when I was playing with the neighbor behind the house & we noticed the TV was on in the master bedroom. We believed no one was home so we decided we should turn it off and return to our play time. We walked into the bedroom and immediately our eyes were magnetized to the screen. We sat at the edge of the bed and giggled. Thats when I heard him chuckle behind us. One hand under the blankets and the other stretched out towards the neighbor as he asked her to come hither.

Something was off, I didn't know what was going on but I knew it didn't feel right. Before her hand reached his I puller her arm away & told her she should go home. He looked at me menacingly & I ran out. That night I woke up to him sitting besides me as he explored my 8yr old body. I sat up in a panic and I told him I would scream if he didn't stop. He reached for his handgun and told me it was in my best interest to keep my mouth shut, otherwise he'd shoot my aunt while she slept, call my mom and shoot her as soon as she walked through the door and I'd be next. 

I decided 2 lives were worth more than my discomfort so I kept it a secret.  My mom was a single mom so she worked two jobs and didn't have time to look after me so she would send me away to spend vacations in their house. And so for the following 3 years, during every summer & winter breaks, I was accessible to him and he would sexually harass me. I am grateful that he never penetrated, but it doesn't make the years of abuse any less damaging. He forced me to watch his poisonous filth hoping that it would ignite something sexual in me. It didn't, it only made me hate my body. 

Summer of 2000 I got my menses and he was no longer interested. He ended after he sneaked into my shower to take pictures of me. A few weeks later he filed for divorce. I would have never understood why this happened until I read this book many years later. -->

I was 11. Things were changing so fast. I had just started 6th grade, I had been exposed to things beyond the innocence of my peers and my body was going through changes.

I hated myself. I hated my body. 

I hated my skin. I hated my life. 

How could God let this happen to me? Wasn't it enough to make me grow up without a father? Why did the first male role model in my life have to take advantage of me??

I started to self mutilate. 

Cutting was my escape.

I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to cut deep enough for it to hurt & to bleed. I had trouble sleeping and I was afraid of the dark. 

I'd close my eyes and see him there grimacing as he touched me. 

The mental torture became unbearable I just had to hurt my body to shift my mind to a different source of pain and numb my head & heart.

I was 5'4 & 127 pounds by the end of 6th grade. I did not have the body of a child. At the age of 12, I had male suitors ranging from ages 16 to 24. I hated them for wanting me. I hated my curves. I hated the compliments. I trusted no one. To hide my scars & my curves I became a tomboy. A loner. A misfit. Misunderstood, neglected & alone. Mom worked 2 jobs so I had enough time alone to get into trouble.  I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and picked up smoking cigarettes.

 In efforts to set me straight, my mother sent me to Mexico to live with my grandmother. She put me in an all girls Catholic school. It might have worked but I blamed her for what happened. If she had not sent me away during vacations, if she had kept a close eye on me, if she didn't work so much, If only.... maybe my childhood would have been differently.  Once again, she was sending me away. 

My cousin was the leader of the street hooligans, so to spite my mom I hung out with them. My grandmother was old and busy praying for everyone else, so I was free to roam. I was riding motorcycles, staying out past midnight. Wearing thick black eye liner, a smoke in my hand, chucks on my feet, loose dickies, a muscle tank & my studded belt- I declared my independence.

The week after my 13th birthday we had a death in the family. My grandma & all the adults were gone for the 24hr funeral viewing and prayer. I was  the oldest girl who stayed behind so I was left in charge of 5 of my younger cousins. My older cousin & his crew "guarded" the house. Around 2am Some of the fellas came in and started smoking pot. They turned on the tv & put on the nudie channel. They were being loud, the smoke was seeping through the closed door & the sleeping toddlers were stirring up. Hot headed as I was I confronted the guys. One guy told another guy to "handle me" so they could enjoy the show on the screen.

He picked me up & dragged to the back of the house with a hand over my mouth. He was high & excited and from the look in his eyes I just knew what was about to happen. As soon as he removed his hand from my mouth I spit in his face. He punched my chin knocking me off my feet & onto my back. Knock out. When I came to my senses there he was taking what little virtue I had left.  

Already feeling unloved & worthless the fight within me was dying. With my breaking heart, eyes swelled with tears, my voice failed. Whispering sobs of "no don't, please stop" went unheard. 

I wished with all my heart that I could just die. 

I gave up. I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep, all I did was cry. For the reminder of the year I didn't leave home except for school. I failed all my classes.

On New years eve had a Bronchospasm, in my room while everyone was celebrating. My airways had constricted & there was very little oxygen coming in. I passed out. Luckily someone came in to give me a new years hug & found me. I was rushed to the hospital just in time, good thing because it was with this brush with death that I decided The best revenge I could have was TO LIVE. 
Life had taken so much from me and it was time for me to start taking back. I was not about to let go of my dreams to someday marry, have kids, own a dog, buy a house, travel & catch bad guys. I was determined not to die and be remembered as that sad confused girl who was moping around the last few months of her life. That was NOT an option. I was going to LIVE and I was going to find TRUE LOVE & I was going to lead life of HAPPINESS.

My mom brought me back to California. We moved to a new house, but I went back to the same school. I took a look at my old friends & saw that they were not headed to where I wanted to be, so I was once again I found myself a loner. 

It felt like forever but then I started High school. As luck would have it, I got jumped by 3 girls & a guy in my first week!!! The victim in me wanted to give up, but the fighter in me had a plan in motion. 

My mom put me in a martial arts school to learn self defense. My grades went up, I joined extra curricular activities in school. I was part of the school pride leadership team & the theater production company. I was a karate kid Tuesdays & Thursdays and singer, dancer & actress on Monday, Wednesdays & Fridays. Gaining strength & learning self discipline in martial arts, gaining confidence & learning to laugh and play in the theater club. 

Being on stage made me feel alive. I could be me & I wouldn't be judged. I became strong & fit. I was able to kick through 4 boards & defend myself. I got the lead role in the play, I sang a solo & dance my heart out on stage while people watched & clapped for me. Life was looking up.

 I also joined the police explorer program for kids interested in law enforcement. I made new friends. I went to an explorer police academy. It was 6 days of what I imagine basic training is like. Officers screaming in your face, having to run everywhere with a buddy, morning group runs, marching, chow hall, bunks, 3min shared showers, long hours of lectures, obstacle courses, bonding with your fellow group members &  graduation. 

 A couple of weeks before my 15th birthday, Sophomore year, I met my "High School sweetheart."(If it could even be called that, he had already graduated.) We dated steady for the duration of my High School experience. 

I had performed 2yrs in a row for the school theater club, I earned my black belt & I got several certificates from the Police explorer program. My Junior year I decided to try out for the cheerleading squad. Senior year was the best. I belonged. I was part of something. I had finished my academic classes early and had the easiest elective class. I was living, loving & being happy. I graduated with a 3.7 at the age of 17. 

My father was now involved and wanted to be a part of my life. He talked to my mom because  he wanted me to spend some time with him. He flew me out to him the week after graduating.  He told me he wanted to put me in the most prestigious private university in Mexico. So I packed my bags & kissed my 3yr boyfriend goodbye. 

My dad was married and his wife didn't know about me. To buy himself some time, I had to stay at his lady friends house. She told me he had been married 3 times & I had 7 half brothers & sisters with 4 different moms. I actually had a brother who was 2months older than me, but he had tragically passed away in a freak playground accident. 

This lady friend of his had 2 sons of her own, one was 18 & the other 21. I was there for 5days before my dad came around again, in the mean time she had her boys show me around town. Motorcycle rides, carnivals, sport events, movies, and they even tried teaching me how to drive. I was a confident athletic girl so wherever we went the guys introduced me as their girlfriend and they got praised, it was flattering.

My father had retired from Law enforcement as a narcotics division commander. He had saved & invested in several businesses in town. Co-Owner of gas stations, bakeries, super markets, condos & restaurants. He was  building me a house & bought a restaurant in my name. Whatever revenues came through the restaurant were for my bills & me. He took me car shopping, but I didn't know how to drive so we skipped it. Trips to the mall, vacations, I met some of my siblings and I wasn't alone. Life was golden.

School would start soon so my dad sat me down & told me to think seriously about living there permanently. I had flight tickets to return back home to talk it over with my mom. It was now late July & I was still underage so my mom would had to approve of my decision. 

I had stayed at his lady friends house during my entire 6week visit. My last day we all went out to a water park & being wet all day had me feeling under the weather. I took a double doze of NyQuil, I had a noon flight so I wanted to get a good nights rest. 

That night there was a really bad thunder storm. The house I was staying in was in mid construction. There were 3 bedrooms on the second floor but there was no roof over the entire area. Stepping out of the door from my room was like walking out into the roof. Next to my door was her younger son's door, the other room was used for storage.

I had been so caught up basking in happiness over my change of luck I didn't notice he had become compulsively obsessed with me. 

I recall waking up to the sound of a loud thundering crash. I saw him sitting on the edge of my bed rocking back & forth with a butchers knife in his hand looking at me intensely.  It felt like de-javu. He said to me:  "You can't leave. You can't leave me. I love you more than life and I can't lose you. I'd rather die..."  taking the knife to his neck. He threateningly asked "Do you love me? or should I end it?" I responded "I do, I love you! Please don't do that!" 

Still drowsy & eyes half opened I reached for the knife trying to deescalate by saying I had to leave but I'd be back shortly to start school anyways. 

 He opened his arms gesturing for a hug & I reluctantly gave in. With his arms wrapped around me he reached for the knife and now it was against my neck  

"Prove to me that you love me or I'll kill you for lying" he whispered in my ear.

I nervously laughed saying he should stop playing & that we needed to go back to sleep. He chuckled, let go & turned away. 

Naively assuming he was leaving, I turned walking back towards my bed... 

A loud thud, sharp pain & confusion. He had pushed my head into the wall & my body fell limp... The rest was a blur. I have faint memories of the knife, one hand on my neck & the other over my mouth. Next thing I remember, I was waking up in pain and bruised. 

I showered & scrubbed violently breaking my skin into visible blood filled pores. 

The hot water ran cold & then my dad knocked on the door. It was time to go. I quickly got dressed & came down stairs. Still raining & hair dripping wet from the shower, my tears blended in. I didn't see him on my way out. A quiet ride to the airport and I hugged my father tightly one last time. Goodbye. (And I haven't seen him since.  This was in 2006)

When I returned home & didn't breathe a word. I wanted to black it out & pretend it never happened. I signed up for the Santa Monica community college starting early September.  It was just a few blocks from the beach & the ocean has always been a place of comfort for me. The first day of school I was in a hurry, school was a 2hr bus ride away so didn't eat breakfast . I felt nauseous & nervous. My mouth was dry & I was hungry so I drank a ton of water &  had to pee every 15mins. I didn't really want to be there. I was depressed again and I couldn't focus. The 2nd day of school I just felt plain sick. I ditched classes and went to the pier. I stared down into the water thinking about jumping over the rail. My life was a train wreck. I attracted negative energy everywhere I went. What was the point? There was none- Period!... 

Period... when was my last period... early July...

I quickly made my way to the nearest pharmacy. I purchased 4 sticks & all showed 2 lines.

I was so afraid, but at the same time followed by an odd sense of peace, I felt relief. 

I called one of the cheerleaders who had had a baby. We weren't close, but I didn't know who else to turn to for help. She was very kind & took me to 2 clinics. Sure enough positive urinalysis & blood test.

Staff nurse : "How old are  you?",  Me :"17", nurse: "Do you work?", me: "no", nurse: "'ok well, You're only 8weeks along, do you want me to schedule you for a termination?"... 

I don't think i have ever felt so much anger in my life as I did in that moment. It was just sinking in that I was capable of creating the miracle of life.

After feeling like all my reasons to live were taken from me- now I had something, or better said, someone to live for. 

How dare she insinuate that I should terminate MY unborn child?? I replied by saying she could terminate our services because I was going elsewhere for my prenatal care.

 I was an active girl. I had strong core. I didn't start showing until late November... I thought I could hide it but my mom found my pregnancy results, confronted me & kicked me out of the house with only the clothes on my back because I didn't want to talk about it. Eventually my mom got over it & let me back in.

 I was determined to do whatever it took, I worked during my pregnancy so I could afford to provide for my heaven sent angel. I went back to school full time when my baby was 4months old & I worked part time. I wanted to do something and be someone my child could be proud of.

I am NOT a victim. 

God gave me this life because he knew I could handle it. I AM STRONG, because I am weak, and in my weakness his strength is magnified. I'm sharing this with you because my life is a testimony that no matter what happens THERE IS HOPE. I'm not going to hide what made me who I am. I choose to fight, vocalize my story so others can find strength in it. 

 I know God had a purpose for the way things happened. I've grown, matured, gained strength & wisdom. I was able to speak at a rape survivor conference & give my testimony. I  touched the lives of those few I shared my story with. I have opened the eyes of many & changed stand points in regards to rape abortions. I'm very much Pro-Life. God makes no mistakes. No matter if your parents planned you, it was an "accident" or a misfortune- God had a plan for your life before you were conceived. 
Going through a traumatic experience like this kills the innermost sense of self, your value, your worth. You're left feeling weak, dirty & used. Add an abortion on top and now you have guilt, shame, regret on top- the perfect recipe for disaster. 
I don't pass judgement on those who take that route. God BLESSED me with courage, strength & favor. Even when my family looked down on me for having a child out of wedlock I pushed forward. My mom refused to tell anyone what happened, so everyone believed my 3yr boyfriend was the father. To them I was a piece of work. 

PLEASE- DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER.

Perhaps someone going through something similar will read this & feel like they are not alone. Perhaps you know someone who acts crazy & you think is a lost cause but you've never taken the time to look them in the eyes and ask whats going on. 
Don't add to their struggle if you don't know what demons they're fighting.

 I was created to overcome obstacles. I was created to believe and achieve. I was created to lift & inspire others and I was made to lead. My fitness journey has encouraged me to make my body a reflection of my  faith and inner strength. I want to transform my lifestyle to match the transformation of my heart, mind & spirit. 

When my day comes, I want to be remembered as the woman who dared to dream big and wasn't scared to follow them. The woman who achieved everything she set her mind to. 
I want to get to the top of my mountain & yell that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; you just have to keep going to reach it. Telling my story gives a voice to those who have been silenced. It is my wish to give strength to those who have been broken. 

We are survivors, we are strong & we are beautiful. 

DARE TO BE LOVED- YOU DESERVE IT NO MATTER HOW FAR YOUVE GONE, HOW MUCH YOU'VE BROKEN, OR HOW BAD YOU THINK YOU'VE MESSED UP. GOD'S GRACE AND LOVE ARE GREATER THAN ANY OF IT AND HIS HEALING IS UP FOR THE TAKING. I CHALLENGE YOU TO INVITE HIM INTO YOUR HEART, MAKE HIM YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR SO THAT HE CAN RENEW YOUR SPIRIT AND GIVE YOU PEACE. <3

Flash: Underexposed

Hello again. I've been MIA and I didn't want Feb to come & go without making a single entry.
I've been feeling dry and empty as of late. My husband left on his first deployment to Afghanistan recently, and it's funny because I've described the way I'm feeling as "Being in the dessert".
For a while before he left we were in the dark about whether he would have to go or not, and for a second due to the events leading up to the deployment I was sure he wouldn't have to go. He was one of the new guys, he got left behind from their preparative training operation, and he was in a car accident which totaled his car that injured his thumb and wrist on his shooting hand... but as the days drew closer I had an unsettling feeling that he would in fact be leaving. Ever since then it's been like someone turned up the f stop and lowered the ISO on my lenses (eyes) making my life underexposed.

What that means to me as a Photographer is that there's little to light coming in. I've lost the desire to do the things I love doing the most. I haven't worked out, It pains me to sew... even indulging in retail therapy leaves me feeling emptier & lonelier than ever. I got a brand spanking new awesome camera & lenses. I upgraded from a Canon Rebel T3 12mp with Kit lens 18-55mm to a Canon EOS 70D 20mp with a 50mm, 18-55mm, 75-300mm and some macro wide angle lenses plus filters. If you're not into cameras it's like going from a promise ring to an engagement ring or dinner at McDonald's to Dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings lol idk I'm bad at comparisons. The point is I now have the one thing I've been dreaming of for the past year and it's just sitting in my closet. Life has lost its color and luster. I never saw it coming.

Lately I've been watching "GLEE" (Don't judge me) and I identified a lot with Rachel- loves the star light, looks at the bright side, bubbly and up beat, always wanting more and going for it, but that has changed.
Whats going on with me? Today was the first day since he left that I haven't cried (yet)... Last week we were out with a bad cold, and this week we fell victim of a nasty stomach virus. The stench of vomit still lurks around as I type. I've been handling it like "Super mom" (thanks Ash) on the exterior, but I'm falling apart inside.
I've always taken pride in being a strong and independent woman with my own goals and desires... so why does this seem so damn hard? (here come the water works) My husband and I are not  spiritually equally yoked, but regardless he is the priest of our home & I miss him so very much.I need his leadership and comfort. I haven't been reading my bible lately... I haven't missed service, and I listen to worship music everyday but I just can't open my bible. I guess I'm just afraid of what God may say...
When I first started reading the bible back in 2010 I didn't know what the heck I was reading. It seemed like a lot of names and numbers. Some kind of history or documentary... but as I kept reading and attending bible studies I kept hearing the the Bible is the breathing living word of God.

So I prayed, that God would open my eyes and my mind, that he would prepare  my heart and my ears so that I could hear from him, and soon after started to read between the lines..I can't remember where but somewhere in the bible it says that that not everyone with ears can hear and not everyone with eyes can see. He spoke in parables so only the ones who cared enough and worked to decipher the message would receive it. Sometimes I would read something I would interpret in my world and before the day was over it would come to pass. Like a foreshadowing, I could hear the direction my life would take. The bible is full of promises, great ones at that. But just as God gives, he takes away. Take Job for example.

As I type this I feel a conviction saying "we can move the hand of God in our favor, don't be afraid" so right here & right now I declare that it's time to let the light back into my life. It's time I let go & let God correct the settings of my life. I don't want to live afraid in  darkness

Every night I ask God to clear the road ahead of him and that his word be the lamp to his feet and the light to his path, because as my day ends, his day begins. I know that the only way I'll get through this time without him is with Christ, because his strength is made perfect in my weakness. It's my turn to take the dare to be loved.

If you or a loved one is serving or has served overseas, I thank you for your sacrifices from the bottom of my heart. And if you were wondering- Yes, we're all wearing red in our home today. It's REDD Friday: Remember Every Daddy Deployed. God Bless you.


Matthew 6: 22-23
  "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

The only thing sadder than being blind is to have sight but no vision.