Monday, December 7, 2015

Reflections on 2015

As this year comes to an end, I am grateful to have survived the whirlwind.
I ended 2014 on a very high note and set really high expectations for this year but I didn't build a sturdy foundation.
So as I took a big leap of excitement, I was met by a mighty downfall into helplessness.
This year resurfaced a lot of forgotten scars, and depression took hold of me.
I basically fell off the face of the Earth and the world went on.
I had been so ashamed and afraid to ask for help that I fell into a very dark and lonely place.
Thankfully my God is bigger than my demons and his grace is sweeter than my bitter pain.
A dear friend of mine shared with me that she too was struggling with some issues and encouraged me to talk to my primary care physician.
I started taking prescription drugs for depression and anxiety and put on about 50 lbs.

It was trial an error for a bit, I spent about 8 months just barely gasping for air.
More recently my prescription switched and I'm starting to feel a little more like myself again.
I'm still struggling with my weight but I'm working towards self acceptance and loving improvement.

On a more positive note, I ran for the PTO at my daughter's school and joined the board as the Fundraising coordinator.
I was head cheer coach for my church's Upward sports program and I started singing with the worship team.

I fell truly madly deeply involve with Doctor Who & I made the bestest friend I could ever ask for.

I chopped all my hair off #StressLevel:Britney lol, and I often have the most deep and intricate world changing conversations inside my head and I always forget to write things out.
I have the most eloquent and passionate debates with myself about hot topics but I bite my tongue in public because I'm afraid I won't be heard and my thoughts won't matter.
 On the bright side my brain is so overstimulated I have the most heart racing dreams!
Anyhow, I seem to have waged a war against Facebook and the news.
I'm depressed enough- aint no body got time for that!
 Well, if you have time for Facebook- you probably don't have time for anything else.

Anyway, one of my new years resolutions was to get closer to my ma... I love the woman more than I care to admit but for the life of me I can't seem to show it.
I remember yelling at her in 5th grade that she was gonna be the reason I would grow up to be medicated and spend all my money on a psychiatrist and here we are.
Everyday I wage a battle between making my mom a part of my life while trying my hardest to be the exact opposite of her and be a better parent to my kids.
I'm so afraid that my munchkins will grow up and feel about me the way I feel about her.
I will have to continue working on that.

So over all I feel like I failed at life this year, but I learned that it's OK to fail!
No body is perfect, everyone is unique and special in their own way. I'm special, I'm delicate, I'm fragile, I'm sensitive and I love myself as I am.
I'm not yet where I want to be but I've come a long way.

Things I did this year to improve myself:
Self Discovery/Enlightenment
Getting out of the house

So there you have it. I usually challenge you to dare to be loved- this year I rose to the challenge.
I love and I am loved! You are too!

May the next year bring you peace and serenity!

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Hello again, remember me?

Dear God,

It's me again. I've been stumbling behind you with my eyes closed and I got really off track. The further I got away from you, the more I realized how much I need you and how much you love me.
Even when I wasn't walking with you,  you continued to watch my steps & bless me through others when I needed it most.

Like the time when I was running late to pick up my oldest from school and I was at Hobby Lobby 14miles from her school with 2 cranky toddlers. My youngest grabbed one of those overpriced candies near the check out, (who actually pay for a $7 piece of plastic containing 50 little pieces of sugar? {they looked like nerds}) and when I tried to take it to put it back the thing snapped in half sending all the little pieces flying and scattering all over the floor. I quickly got on my knees frantically trying to pick up these pieces while apologizing for the mess. My face was burning, my hands were trembling and there was a giant knot in my throat. I finally picked up the pieces, got up to pay for that 1 item I needed and realized that they cashier had charged me for the candy she had just instructed me to put in the trash. $7! It may not seem like a big deal but we were down to our last pennies before pay day and I was having a really rough week. I picked up my oldest from school LATE & our fridge was nearly empty so I figured we could get something cheap off the dollar menu plus I had a coupon to BOGO burger. So we orders the BOGO burgers, 10 nuggets, 1 large drink & a large fry totaling $11.56 (I had $12 in my wallet). My kiddos was screaming that they wanted their own drinks and I assured them we would be sharing fairly. We took a seat and minutes later one of the employees walked up to our table with our order PLUS an extra side of fries and 3 children cups and gave us a big smile. As we were walking out my kiddos started asking me when we would get a kids meal so they could get a toy, I shrugged "maybe next time" before we walked out the employee from earlier ran up to us with 3 toys and quickly walked into a back room. I asked the cashier for a name- she told me it was the store manager. I was in tears the whole drive home.

And the the time I really needed a couple items from the grocery store and my card wasn't working, the cashier told me to try the ATM but it was out of order. I stood there frozen not knowing what to think, I asked the cashier to cancel me out while I figured something out because I didn't want to hold up the line. Before she did that, the gentleman standing in line behind me (with a single energy drink) said that he would cover it & slipped his card before I could react to his kindness.

Or the time I was volunteering to help a local sports program but I didn't have enough funds to enroll my kiddo in the program. (She was really looking forward to it). On the first day of the program, I had my kiddo with me to "assist" while the other kids checked in and got their jerseys. Right before we started with the days practice, the program director walked up to my kiddo and told her she had a jersey to pick up then winked at me. She had noticed I was on the volunteer list but my kiddo wasn't  registered, (They knew us from the previous season)  she knew I would bring her with me & she didn't want my kiddo to be left out so she paid the enrollment fee for us.

Just these 3 things made my heart overflow with gratitude, I know it was you looking out for me & the family. Providing for us through others and showing us love through the warm smiles and gentle touch. Thank you for being there for me, even when I'm not there for you.

Sincerely - your prodigal daughter

Thursday, February 26, 2015

You can't fail unless you quit!

Rebirth: Reese's Pieces

Some time in 2013 I decided I wanted to try my hand at photography.

 Back in 2011 after I gave birth to my 2nd daughter, I saw so many cute clothes & bedding. I wanted to buy her everything but  I didn't have the money. So instead I bought a sewing machine and I decided I'd make her those cute things myself. 

I named my sewing business Cuties By: D-Zign. I couldn't just be a stay at home mom with a hobby, I was determined to work for my coffee habit, so I decided I would sell my work. I came up with the name "Cuties" because  have 3 cuties of my own, "D-Zign" because I Daisy (AKA DayZ) was "De-Ziging" my little creations. 

Fast forward to 2013, I was trying to sell my things on Etsy but I felt like I just couldn't compare to the great sellers on there. Their listings had great photos and they looked so well presented. My little phone took the grainiest pictures ever so I convinced my husband I needed a DSLR & we invested in a Canon Rebel T3  

From the moment I opened my camera and took my first picture  (without a lens) I was in love. I had absolutely NO IDEA what the heck I was doing or how to work it but within me I just felt like I was born for it. I was so excited about my brand new camera that I announced myself as a photographer while shooting in full auto in my kit lens. 

I had no editing software outside of BeFunky  and looking back... damn I was a mess. Good thing I didn't charge for those sessions.
Anyhow, I tried to bring my business name over to my photography but it was too long. So I went with "CBDZ Photography" and I have hated it since. 

Last year while my husband was deployed, I  decided to upgraded a   to a Canon EOS 70D not because I had fully mastered my camera but because I wanted to force myself out of the automatic settings into more of a manual side. I am totally love with my new camera & I'm still learning to master it. 

My husband also got me the Adobe Photoshop & Premiere Elements  software so I could edit more "professionally". I love it because it comes with photo AND video editing software ! I enjoy making home videos and stuff so it's perfect for me! It certainly helped my stand out and improve my work.

This year for Valentines He blessed me with an Apple MacBook Pro and Wacom Small Tablet editing!He really surprises me with his thoughtfulness and loving heart. I cannot stress how blessed I am to have such a supporting husband  who believes in my potential.

I have been taking some time off business to redefine my brand and identity. I've changed my name to Reese's Pieces Photography & settled on my color palette. I have been playing with my new tools to give new life to my old work.

and I've gotta say I can really see improvement and I'm going to toot my own horn here! TOOT TOOT! I am so exited about personal growth in this area of skill. I'm not yet where I want to be, but I'm so far off from where I started. There were so many times that I felt like I was going nowhere but I'm glad I didn't quit! No way I'm giving up on something I love this much. So "Note to Self:

Monday, January 26, 2015

What it means to be a Mom Pt.1

Sometime in December I convinced my husband that I needed another book.
You see I have a been building a collection for quite some time but I don't always quite read them, or if I start reading I don't always finish it.
I asked him to get me this-->1001 Things it Means to Be a Mom: (the Good, the Bad, and the Smelly)I hadn't opened it until recently and I'm hooked. I wasn't sure what to expect (because I hadn't read any reviews) but I was very interested in what it meant to someone else to be a mom.
As a stay at home mom it's quite simple to take this precious blessing for granted. Stepping on toys in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom, one interrupted shower after another due to ear piercing screams. The joys of cleaning permanent marker scribbles on the wall and removing bubble gum from hair.
Being a mom is not an easy task, some days it drains me, other days it irritates me... but every night when the lights are out and there's finally a little bit of peace I'm grateful for my tittle.

As I was reading along there were quite a few things that resonated with me and I wanted to share to see if maybe you can relate.

 7. Being a mom means getting mad that your husband doesn't get upset about the same things you do.

Let me tell ya, more often than not my husband see things very differently. Especially regarding the gender wars!!! His girls are perfect princesses and my little prince is a big cry baby in his eyes. I hold higher standards for my girls because I know how the world can be for a girl. Equally I cut my boy some slack because, well because he's adorable and his kisses and "I love you"s make it ever impossible to stay mad at him. So yeah, definitely it's true! Being a mom means a lot of explaining to your husband why you're upset.

16. Being a mom means being wiling to be disliked by your kids.

This one made me cry. My kids are only 2, 3 & 7 so I haven't got the verbal expression of this. I can be quite stern (my husband dubbed me "The Warden") and I know my kids don't like me very much when I enforce the rules. It reminds me of all the times my mother put her foot down and I stormed away. I was so upset that my friend and their moms were best friends but mine wasn't approachable... and I realize now that I had enough friends so I'm glad my mom stayed my mom- even when I told her I didn't like her.

29. Being a mom means taking a vacation away from the kids.

I'm on mom duty 24/7/365. The hours are long, the environment is chaotic, the breaks can be non existent and the stress levels can be quite overwhelming. Truth is I need a break every now and then. We can't afford to get away for the week while someone watches the kids like most families, so I live on mini vacations. A walk around Wal-Mart without someone demanding my attention can be quite relaxing.

42. Being a mom means cooking dinner while everyone else is watching T.V.

I have a love hate relationship with the T.V.! When my husband was deployed to Afghanistan last year, the T.V. was off most of the day. I didn't want to get distracted so we saved T.V. for bed time where we could all cuddle and enjoy the show. Now that daddy is home I can do more of what I need to do but I feel excluded from what was our family time. When I'm finally ready to settle in and get my show on I can't- keep tight for

51. Being a mom means keeping your relationship with your husband a priority.

Bed time is the only time my husband and I have to ourselves.  Even then on some nights little ones crawl into our bed and wedge between us. So that little time before we fall asleep I like to turn my attention to him. I hear a lot of women say their kids come first- but that logic is flawed. You had your husband before you had your kids & when your kids are long gone it's your husband who will remain. Your husband is the most important and precious connection. Your success partner, your better half, the spiritual leader- He needs you as much as the kids need him. Prioritize him!

79. Being a mom means being shocked at the PG-13 movie you're watching with your kids.

Oh my goodness! Even cartoons really shock and appall me! The innuendo and acceptance of crude language and behavior is quite scary. I don't remember the media being so bad back in my day- or maybe it was but I didn't catch on. If it's not a Disney, I'm in constant fear of the next scene.

100. Being a mom means worrying that you've become your mother.

There's days when I open my mouth and my mother comes out... I didn't get along very well with my mother and I worry that my kids will see me the way I saw her. I don't want to become my mother but now I understand the reasoning behind the rules and punishments...

Being a mom can be quite exhausting, while very fulfilling and all together quite scary. There are many others In the first 100 things that had me laughing or nodding to- but I just wanted to share a few with you. Stay tuned for parts 2- 10!
Jr (2)

Sam (3)
Me & Nevy (7)

Monday, January 5, 2015

Happy New Year - 2015 Goals

Hey there- so here we are. It's 2015 and THIS IS MY YEAR!
I know most of us say that every year lol but this is really my year.
I'm facing my fears and going out of my comfort zone.
Last year I said I wanted to start a Blog/Vlog (Video Blogging)
 and I did the blog part but Vlogging seemed way out of my comfort zone- 
this year I'm removing my self set limits.
Thank you for the love and support thus far & thank you in advance for the cheers to come.
It is my hope to adopt healthier habits and a stronger work ethic and perhaps inspire others along the way. :)