In my feelings...

The other day on my drive to work I heard a story on the radio that broke my heart. It was about a young girl who had a terminal disease and had only days left of life. Her wish was to marry her best friend one day and he agreed. Mind you they were both under 10, never the less the parents set up a ceremony and they got "married". The young girl died just a couple days later...

It pained my heart but as much as I wanted to sit there and shed a tear, I was running late so I rushed out from my car and buried it. Almost toward the end of my 4 hour shift a little boy approached me and asked if I worked there. He told me his mom was having a hard time finding her size so I followed him back to his mother who had her back towards me.

"Mommy I found someone to help you!" he said excitedly as she turned around. Half of her face, chest and her left arm were covered in burn marks... "Malachi don't bother the lady, I'm ok" she said embarrassed avoiding eye contact. I asked her what size she needed and offered my help but she declined- so I wrote her size down for Malachi and showed him how to look for it on the drawers. He is 6yrs old and had a younger brother with him no older than 3. As they were leaving he approached me again and said  "I'm sad we couldn't find her size but thank you for your help." The look of disappointment in his eyes, like he let his mom down- it burned right through me.

I couldn't help but wonder what happened to her. Did she run into a burning building to save her sons? Did an abusive husband burn her in an act of violence for trying to keep her boys safe? I'll never know, but what I do know is that Malachi looked at his mother like she was the most beautiful woman in the world and he loves her deeply.

Then I got home and watched some Grey's Anatomy and cried my eyes out... There is so much that I feel through out my day that I can't react to, that finally being able to feel and express it openly from under my covers is a much needed cathartic release. And then after all of that, I get to lay down in my comfy bed, in my house, next to my loving husband, with our healthy loving children sleeping upstairs and our loyal dogs laying close by protective of us all. Overwhelmed with gratitude, I back to waterworks until I eventually fall asleep...

I used to hate being so darn sensitive and emotional, but I feel so blessed to have the ability to emphasize, sympathize and feel so deeply. Just as the smallest things can bring so much pain, they can also bring so much joy! It's almost funny when my 5yr old sees me tearing up and asks me "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" and I have to explain happy tears.

It's ok to feel folks! You're entitled to having emotions- just don't stay stuck in a bad one... Night will fall, but the sun will always rise again. 🌞

On Purpose

So this past Sunday was "Vision Sunday" at our church.
We got to be witness to our friend's Baptisms and we served at the Fall Festival.
We were given these awesome "On Purpose" T-shirts.
During Sunday service we received the message that
we were created on purpose with a purpose. 
This was welcomed by me as lately, I have been struggling with "finding my purpose".
Sometimes my days are long,
and sometimes I blink- the day is gone and nothing was accomplished.
This brought me back keeping up with my Bullet journal
and I wrote down a 17 before 2017 list.
I set out to accomplish these things on purpose,
not just let think about and hope I get around to it but actually do  it.
I made this list on Friday and I'm happy to report
that I have already crossed 3 things off my list!

So let me ask you this: what's your driving purpose?
and how are your new year's resolutions coming along?

There are 95 days left in 2016- make them count!

 

Photo credit to an awesome volunteer at out church: Douglas Jacobs

Mental & Emotional tracking

Hello again!

So I was going though Pinterest looking for stuff- printables, layout ideas, stickers, trackers etc and I came across this:

and it blew my mind!

Since Winter of 2013 I have been struggling with anxiety and depression.
Every time I went to my doctors office for a follow up I was asked to evaluate my past 2 weeks and average out how I had been feeling.
People! I couldn't even recall how I got out of bed that morning or if I had had breakfast but I was supposed to produce analysis on my mental & emotional status on demand?

I'm not sure how accurately I answered. My "numbers" were improving according to my doctor's interpretations of my answers even though I felt like I was devolving and spiraling deeper into darkness... I was prescribed the wrong medication for me and I took it for nearly a year.

I desperately wanted a way to show them, diagram my emotions, make a pie chart of some sort to visually explain the torturous turmoil inside me... but I didn't know how or what to do to help myself.

Winter of 14 I discovered this whole "BuJo" idea, and found support to start my journey in a Facebook group.
It was there that I discovered ways to use my personal bullet journal for more than just productivity. Thanks to this method I was able to better explain myself to my doctors and I was put on a different prescription and it made such a HUGE difference towards my progress towards feeling like myself again. 

I've made monthly mood trackers before which are fun and nice to see but to be able to see the whole year... that's just incredible. I wanted to make sure that if anyone else who saw it- liked it- then they too could start doing it right away so I made a PDF form of it but with more defined "moods" or feelings that I personally roller coaster through. You can go ahead and: right click- save image as to your computer and print it off!

.::Click here to download::.

We found the one

So this past week my husband and I went on a road trip to look at houses.
We searched in Virginia and Maryland since he will be working near DC we have more options.
We had a list of non-negotiable needs and a wish list of wants which included:

Needs: 
3+ bedrooms (it has 4)
1.5 bathrooms (it has 3 full bathrooms)
Not a corner lot (2nd house from corner)
Not on a main road (2 blocks in 45sec drive to main road)
Gated back yard for dog (1 acre fully fenced in plus built in kennel)
Garage (drive through garage for 2)
Wants:
Basement (its finished and lovely)
Deck (needs refinishing but has a big one)
Porch (does not have one in front but has a screen covered one in rear leading to deck)
Spacious kitchen & cabinets (nice color, stainless steel appliances and roomy enough)
A fireplace (no but has a wood burning stove)
Walk in pantry (bust: tiny closet)
Tub in the master bathroom (bust: crowded room with a stand up shower)

BONUS:
It has a pool & diving board.

All in all I think we made out great. We're super excited about this new stage in our lives.
We went over our initial budget but we were pre-approved for our loan.
Now we just wait and pray that it passes inspection, that it appraises fairly with the agreed upon prize and that the loan gets approved!
We're pushing for a closing date of March 31st and if all goes well, we'll be packing up and driving out April 1st.
Hubby is due to begin work on April 10th so it gives us a little over a week to get settled in.

The house is in great condition, of course I want to add splashes of color to the rooms and see if I can DIY some magic in to make it personal. We're so used to not being able to many any adjustments with rentals, I can barely sit still as I think of all the possibilities.

All you prayer warriors out there, please lift up our process for approval.
Now to Pinterest ways of meeting the neighbors! Any tips?

Clutter Free 2016

My husband and I recently started the process of buying our first home.
We will be moving from our current station in Fort Campbell, KY to Fort Myer, VA and with every move comes the horrible duty of packing.

 "Well Daisy, being in a military family, you should be used to frequent moves" You might say... and while yes, I know it comes with the territory I also have what you could call a bit of a hoarding issue  sentimental attachment to things and a crafty heart who wants to repurpose everything.

So my husband and I have this on-going battle about what will and won't go into our new home. He's a minimalist,and well I guess you could call me a maximist! lol

Any how I've recently gotten myself wrapped up in this system called Bullet Journaling and it's all about simplicity and order. I've been following a couple people who have inspired me and I've seen  some of the tools they use to track and maintain their activities and goals.

So I searched the web and I found a handy little thing on decluttering as many items as the current year. The one I found was for a different year (sorry I don't remember where I found it) and I made a similar chart to use in 2016 that Is helping me stay accountable and excited to see the progress. So i figured I could share it in case anyone else would find it useful. You can download it HERE

Anyhow the idea is to cross out a square each time you've gotten rid of an item. It seems like a lot, and I have A LOT! I've already gotten rid of 31 items and I have't even made a small dent in how much stuff I've "collected". You can get rid of a pair of shoes and mark it as 1 box or 2 (1 box per shoe) it's up to you.

Throw it away, sell it, donate it- whatever. As hard as it is to let go of my things, my husbands sanity & happiness is worth more. Besides, when I die I can't take of it with me and I fear they'd throw all my precious things out or worse- keep them! lol Anyhow, I hope you find this tool  useful- if you do, would you please let me know?

Just Eat it!

Eat that frog By:Brian Tracy

My takeaway from reading the book.

There are 3 D's that will get you through life successfully:

• Decision
• Discipline
• Determination

Success begins with the simple thought of to. YOU have to DECIDE to succeed. 

Once you've made your decision you HAVE to be DISCIPLINED! Which means you 

will continue following through with your decision even if you no longer feel like it.

Lastly, you MUST stay DETERMINED to see yourself to the completion of your achievement.

Your next through will determine your future. Life is shaped by your daily choices, t's the smallest actions that have the biggest effect. Every small habit and repetitive action will build on itself to progress you or hold you back.  

If you have to eat 2 frogs; eat the ugliest first .If you have to workout & go grocery shopping and you hate both do the one you hate the most. For me that's working out! I don't hate it per say but if I don't do it early before my day gets started then chances are I'll just completely skip it. I HAVE to grocery shop or I won't eat & I love to eat! lol so that sets the order of events.

If you have to eat a live frog, don't look at it very long so:

1. Be selective
2. Prioritize 
3. Take immediate action
4. Develop a positive addiction to starting and finishing your tasks
5. Don't cheat yourself by taking shortcuts 

Let's get busy! I know I've been slacking but hey! I'm only human ;-P

Goodbye Joneses

Lets start over from scratch for the sake of my sanity.

This past 2 years I've been trying to "keep up with the Joneses" and I'm done.

I put my mental health, friendships, relationships and my life at stake trying to 

keep up a facade. 

If you are doing that right now please stop and save yourself the trouble.

I'm gonna go against the grain here and just be completely honest & sincerely human.

I am flawed, I'm the furthest thing from perfect & I'm finally coming to terms with that.

I do not have all the answers, I do not have any magical solutions and I have succumbed to the pressure of life. 

This year It's all about me and my family. My husband got orders (Military) to PCS to VA this spring and we're currently in the process of buying our first home. I'm really excited and looking forward to the changes. 

Resolutions aside, these are goals for this year:

1. Quit my retail therapy addiction
2. Empty my hoarding closet
3. Begin consistently contributing to our finances
4. Launch a YouTube channel
5. Teach my oldest about entrepreneurship 
6. Get her business started (she wants to make and sell crafts)
7. DIY the majority of our new home's needs
8. Lose the extra weight by my birthday
9. Bullet Journal Daily
10. Read all the books in my bedside bookshelf 
11. Pay off my credit cards
12. Believe in me again

I highly encourage you to make this year YOUR year- literally. 

Make your health & well being your priority!

Happy New Year! Until Next time <3

Reflections on 2015

As this year comes to an end, I am grateful to have survived the whirlwind.
I ended 2014 on a very high note and set really high expectations for this year but I didn't build a sturdy foundation.
So as I took a big leap of excitement, I was met by a mighty downfall into helplessness.
This year resurfaced a lot of forgotten scars, and depression took hold of me.
I basically fell off the face of the Earth and the world went on.
I had been so ashamed and afraid to ask for help that I fell into a very dark and lonely place.

Thankfully my God is bigger than my demons and his grace is sweeter than my bitter pain.
A dear friend of mine shared with me that she too was struggling with some issues and encouraged me to talk to my primary care physician.

I started taking prescription drugs for depression and anxiety and put on about 50 lbs.

It was trial an error for a bit, I spent about 8 months just barely gasping for air.
More recently my prescription switched and I'm starting to feel a little more like myself again.
I'm still struggling with my weight but I'm working towards self acceptance and loving improvement.

On a more positive note, I ran for the PTO at my daughter's school and joined the board as the Fundraising coordinator.
I was head cheer coach for my church's Upward sports program and I started singing with the worship team.

I fell truly madly deeply involve with Doctor Who & I made the bestest friend I could ever ask for.

I chopped all my hair off #StressLevel:Britney lol, and I often have the most deep and intricate world changing conversations inside my head and I always forget to write things out.
I have the most eloquent and passionate debates with myself about hot topics but I bite my tongue in public because I'm afraid I won't be heard and my thoughts won't matter.
 On the bright side my brain is so overstimulated I have the most heart racing dreams!
Anyhow, I seem to have waged a war against Facebook and the news.
I'm depressed enough- aint no body got time for that!
 Well, if you have time for Facebook- you probably don't have time for anything else.

Anyway, one of my new years resolutions was to get closer to my ma... I love the woman more than I care to admit but for the life of me I can't seem to show it.
I remember yelling at her in 5th grade that she was gonna be the reason I would grow up to be medicated and spend all my money on a psychiatrist and here we are.
Everyday I wage a battle between making my mom a part of my life while trying my hardest to be the exact opposite of her and be a better parent to my kids.
I'm so afraid that my munchkins will grow up and feel about me the way I feel about her.
I will have to continue working on that.

So over all I feel like I failed at life this year, but I learned that it's OK to fail!
No body is perfect, everyone is unique and special in their own way. I'm special, I'm delicate, I'm fragile, I'm sensitive and I love myself as I am.
I'm not yet where I want to be but I've come a long way.

Things I did this year to improve myself:

Meditation

Accupuncture

EFT

Self Discovery/Enlightenment

Journaling

Getting out of the house

So there you have it. I usually challenge you to dare to be loved- this year I rose to the challenge.

I love and I am loved! You are too!

May the next year bring you peace and serenity!

Hello again, remember me?

Dear God,

It's me again. I've been stumbling behind you with my eyes closed and I got really off track. The further I got away from you, the more I realized how much I need you and how much you love me.
Even when I wasn't walking with you,  you continued to watch my steps & bless me through others when I needed it most.

Like the time when I was running late to pick up my oldest from school and I was at Hobby Lobby 14miles from her school with 2 cranky toddlers. My youngest grabbed one of those overpriced candies near the check out, (who actually pay for a $7 piece of plastic containing 50 little pieces of sugar? {they looked like nerds}) and when I tried to take it to put it back the thing snapped in half sending all the little pieces flying and scattering all over the floor. I quickly got on my knees frantically trying to pick up these pieces while apologizing for the mess. My face was burning, my hands were trembling and there was a giant knot in my throat. I finally picked up the pieces, got up to pay for that 1 item I needed and realized that they cashier had charged me for the candy she had just instructed me to put in the trash. $7! It may not seem like a big deal but we were down to our last pennies before pay day and I was having a really rough week. I picked up my oldest from school LATE & our fridge was nearly empty so I figured we could get something cheap off the dollar menu plus I had a coupon to BOGO burger. So we orders the BOGO burgers, 10 nuggets, 1 large drink & a large fry totaling $11.56 (I had $12 in my wallet). My kiddos was screaming that they wanted their own drinks and I assured them we would be sharing fairly. We took a seat and minutes later one of the employees walked up to our table with our order PLUS an extra side of fries and 3 children cups and gave us a big smile. As we were walking out my kiddos started asking me when we would get a kids meal so they could get a toy, I shrugged "maybe next time" before we walked out the employee from earlier ran up to us with 3 toys and quickly walked into a back room. I asked the cashier for a name- she told me it was the store manager. I was in tears the whole drive home.

And the the time I really needed a couple items from the grocery store and my card wasn't working, the cashier told me to try the ATM but it was out of order. I stood there frozen not knowing what to think, I asked the cashier to cancel me out while I figured something out because I didn't want to hold up the line. Before she did that, the gentleman standing in line behind me (with a single energy drink) said that he would cover it & slipped his card before I could react to his kindness.

Or the time I was volunteering to help a local sports program but I didn't have enough funds to enroll my kiddo in the program. (She was really looking forward to it). On the first day of the program, I had my kiddo with me to "assist" while the other kids checked in and got their jerseys. Right before we started with the days practice, the program director walked up to my kiddo and told her she had a jersey to pick up then winked at me. She had noticed I was on the volunteer list but my kiddo wasn't  registered, (They knew us from the previous season)  she knew I would bring her with me & she didn't want my kiddo to be left out so she paid the enrollment fee for us.

Just these 3 things made my heart overflow with gratitude, I know it was you looking out for me & the family. Providing for us through others and showing us love through the warm smiles and gentle touch. Thank you for being there for me, even when I'm not there for you.

Sincerely - your prodigal daughter

Condemnation Interferes with Intimacy

I know this is a pretty long video, but if you can spare an hour watch it.



Condemnation interferes with intimacy. 

When there is guilt you don't make room for a trusting loving relationship.

When you feel like you have to make up for something, you're busy working instead of building.

Slow your role!!! Get your relationships in order and work together.



God wants to know you. We know who God is, He knows who you are, but are you spending enough time with Him to confidently say you have a strong connection?

Would you consider it a loving relationship? Would you say you're friends, engaged, or married with God?

Are you wrapped up in ministries trying to win souls and feel like you're hitting a wall?

Or are you getting intimate with God, birthing souls and moving your ministries forward?

There IS a difference!!!

I share this with you because it really tugged at my heart.
It is time we dare to be loved but also dare to get intimate with God.
Intimacy is beautiful & some people are scared of it because it puts you in a vulnerable position... Lucky for us we know that God has been, is and always will be the same.

Put your trust in Him, delight in Him, praise Him, offer your body, heart & life to Him.

Then and only then will the desires of your heart align with His will for your life and it will be added to you.



So take a moment and reflect-
What are YOU doing RIGHT NOW?
What are you working towards? What are the reasons behind your works?
Are you feeling condemned or intimate with God?



This is not in any way to judge you or put you down- but more so to raise a personal awareness.
In humility I urge us all to do a heart check for our benefits.
It is my hope and prayer that we all reach the level of love and intimacy with God that we want and need.

We are Family

So we've been having a series in church about family life and today was the last and final part focusing on parenting. It really hit home for me & I feel like I have to share it with you.

(Listen to the podcast here)

Parenting: It's not about controlling their behavior, 

it's about capturing their hearts

     Parenting is tough, and we make mistakes. We have messed up and we will continue to mess up. We're not perfect, and thats ok. Don't bee too proud to let your children know: "Mommy &/or Daddy isn't perfect and I'm sorry, but thats why you have Jesus. He can heal you and your heart if I hurt it or if I can't help you heal it. I don't have all the answers but he can help me love you better if you pray for me, just like I pray for you."

Surround yourself with Godly parenting examples, glean from them. Observe & listen. Our parenting requires 4 stages: Discipline, Training, Coaching and Friendship. First things first- if you're a single parent sit down and make a list of the things you want to to teach your kids and the things you will absolutely not stand for. If you're married, make sure you both agree and that you back each other up instilling and drilling in these core values. The example used where the non tolerable Dx3- Disobedience, Dishonesty & Disrespect.

Starting with Discipline (Ages 1-5) You must TEACH your children that there are consequences for their actions- GOOD and BAD. ***Be extremely careful when it comes to physical discipline. In the heat of the moment discipline is just a hairline away from abuse. Don't cross that line, don't lose your child, this is considered disrespect and it causes distrust. 

It doesn't matter how you do it but do it- discipline diligently, consistently and calmly.  Remind yourself that "the days are long, but the years are short." They grow up so fast and before you know it they are out in the world and the biggest thing they take with them is the memories you shared and the things you instilled in them. Discipline them in their mistakes and PRAISE them in their efforts, accomplishments and successes. It is equally important that you purposely catch them doing right. Shed light on their positive actions, it's both empowering and encouraging to them.

Training (Ages 6-11) This is reinforcing the foundations, it includes discipline but it's a different type of discipline. In their early stages you teach them to do things your way, in this stage they start thinking and making their own way. Tell them daily "God has a plan for you and you do not want to miss it!" Drill your love into your children by continuously encouraging them and reminding them they are loved. Help them make the right decisions but don't make decisions for them. Let them fail, don't bail them out. This will teach them that things go wrong, and it will encourage them to seek your guidance. The stakes are low at this age,  resiliency is a great thing to learn early. Ask them: "What do you think Jesus would do?"  allow them to think and come to conclusions. I think the reason why "Common sense" isn't so common these days is because people tried too hard to control the actions of their children without making them think about it. Once they were old enough to break free of the control they had no incentive to think deeper.

Coaching (Ages 12-18) Give wise council. It's important that you teach them early on to show respect to you, their siblings and themselves. Cultivate speaking life. Daily tell them something positive about them, something you love. You must tell them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. You are the parent not the friend! They have plenty of friends in school! Do NOT fear that they will stop liking you- they probably will and that's OK, because later they will and later is longer that right now. A quick way to know how you're doing in your parenting: stop and listen to the way they talk to their dolls, their siblings & their friends. They're little mirrors! You will hear  yourself come out of their mouth often, so give them something positive, kind and wise to repeat! When they're in the wrong, don't get mad, get grieved. Draw near to their disobedience & remind them that there is a better way.

Build them up daily- you are their advocate! It is not your job to control their actions, it's your job to capture their hearts by showing them love and appreciation- because mom/dad, if you don't do it they will go out and seek it from somebody else. Capture their hearts with YOUR LOVE and lead them closer to Christ.

Friendship (Ages 18-#) From early youth do your part to intercept faith with decision making. God is real, he's not just a fictional character in an old book. Bed time stories? Read a chapter of the bible daily. Scary, personal, difficult questions? Do not be afraid to be transparent: "I did things wrong but God has a better way for you" Allow them to learn from you so they don't have to search for the answers in the world. Openly speak about relationships. "Purity paves the way. " "There's no shame in waiting!" "Don't act like you're married when you're not" "Always make your intentions known" "Foreplay is not end play" SEX IS NOT FOR GROWN PEOPLE, IT'S NOT FOR INLOVE PEOPLE, IT'S FOR MARRIED PEOPLE.  Keep it that way and avoid the void in your soul and the pain in your heart. 

If you lay your foundations right and capture their hearts you will have made a friend for life. Your children will seek your advice, will look to you for comfort and will take heed in your words.

Stay blessed. Love your children & remember: Dare to be loved! <3

A song can say so much

There's some songs that just take the words out of your mouth. This one really hit home for me at a time when I was starting to get comfortable with God. Sometimes we fall into a comfortable complacency and we stop trying to influence the world & give way for the world  to influence us. "Oh I'm saved, I've been good, I can get away with a little bit of this & that" Before you know it, you stop reading your bible. The Bible will keep you away from sin & sin will keep you from the Bible. Why? Because you don't want to read and feel condemned- If the shoe fits wear it. If you don't want to wear it CHANGE THE SHOE! Stop sinning and you will no longer have anything to feel guilty about.

This song is a prayer that we should say if e ever feel like we are falling asleep on our faith. 

These are the lyrics, personalized into a prayer form.

Remember that there is no perfect way to pray. Just talk to Him.

Tell him what you think and how you feel. If there's something that you need,

Believe that he will grant it, because according to your faith it shall be added unto you.

Dare to say this prayer today!

LORD AWAKEN ME! because sometimes I feel like I'm just existing but I'm not really living. It's like I'm only watching time slip away.

Sometimes I forget who I am in you & I stop striving to be who I'm meant to be. 

I feel like I'm drifting away from my destiny.
I pray that you Awaken my heart & my soul. Lord, please use your power and take control. 

Awaken the passion to live for you, and Awaken me.
My soul is longing & my heart is searching. There's an emptiness that I know only you can fill. I'm desperate for you to move. Please give me a hunger to come and pull me closer. 

I'm crying out to you. Open my eyes so I can see your presence dwelling inside, because I can't live another minute if I'm not shining your light. Awaken the passion within in me to live out my destiny and shine your light through me.










LYRICS

Financial Fitness Challenge

This is scary.

 Challenges are meant to challenge you & challenges can lead to confrontation- 

which is one of the things I like to avoid.

I've stepped out in Faith to lead a Financial Fitness Group on Facebook.

As much as I'm leading, I'm also taking the challenge.

I've been given the tools so see it through from beginning to end,

but I have not gone through it on my own...

I want the daily challenge to catch me equally off guard

as it will to the other participants.

People often say that Money is the root of all evil. It's not. 

The love of money is the problem. 

When you think about money and potential- I don't think enough is ever enough.

If RIGHT NOW

Bill Gates came up to you and said he would give you whichever amount

 of money you asked of him- how much would you ask for?

Keep in mind that Bill is the wealthiest man in the world...

Would you ask him for just enough to get out of debt?

Enough to start a nice savings account?

Half of his fortune?

All of it?

More than what he currently has???

HOW MUCH is ENOUGH? 

Have you ever wondered why you don't have more than what you have??

I can admit that I'm guilty of this. I want more, not because I truly need more, 

but because I haven't properly handled what I've been given. 

If I can't handle what I have now- who's to say I would be able to handle more?

Therefore it is my hope that through this challenge I can learn to manage my finances in

a God honoring way. I fully trust that when I stop trying to control my spending and just give over Lordship to him in everything especially my finances- He will move drastically.

There a few things you need to know about God & finances. 

My personal take is that It starts with your tithe. 

If you don't believe it applies to you, why don't you go ahead 

and take God's challenge- test him in this.

Where ever you are & whatever you are facing 

reach out to him & let him love you.

Let your finances be a reflection of your God given dreams & destiny.

You were made to conquer & you are destined for greatness!

Don't let your finances, or lack there of, get in the way of achieving.

God bless <3

Competition Goals

I can't even begin to express the excitement bubbling in my chest.

 Do you know that heavy feeling you get in your chest when you carry your own burdens and confusion? 

I've had it for the longest time... 
Do you know that feeling you get when you have an epiphany, everything makes sense and you suddenly feel like you can fly???

Thats how I feel RIGHT NOW. 

I've always felt like I was meant for greater things but I never really knew what my purpose or potential was. I've been challenged, broken & abused as much as I've blessed with many talents.  I've been given a testimony, desires & dreams but I have never found the outlet to express myself passionately without too many requirements.

Most people probably get annoyed of hearing me say how much I love my job & how grateful I am for Beachbody... some may never fully understand what the Beachbody Challenge has done for me. 

It has opened my heart up to a whole new world that I never imagined I would want to be a part of.

I had been carrying an internal battle against depression, anxiety & PTSD from my childhood trauma & it was manifesting as emotional eating soI just kept packing on weight. 

I tried many things, a variety of meal replacement shakes, diet pills, girdles, wraps and deprivation. I'd lose weight & inches fast only to gain them right back with a few extra more.

My husband is an athletic fellow & he's always enjoyed watching his favorite sport, track & field. I hated watching the events and hear him marveling over these fast impressive women. All the runners with their short shorts, tight figures, muscular hot bodies & a lot of skin. 

I thought of it as exhibitionist and almost pornographical. Why couldn't they cover up???

I hated esthetic physiques. 

His father was into body building so he would often talk about training and what he too hoped to look some day . I couldn't look at image of a bikini or body competitor without feeling sick to my stomach. 
Male or female- it was repulsive.  

Since my journey with Beachbody began, my point of view and my life have changed quite a bit. I've realized that the abuse from my past doesn't have to define my life and it certainly cannot take away from my future potential. Any and all residual pain and anger can be worked off by simply pushing play. 

Working out is the greatest mood booster, better than anti depressants, which I had to take growing up. Depression, anxiety & PTSD are no longer an issue for me. I do have my bad days when I got to bed on top of the world  & wake up with the world on top of me but in the very least I am now confident in my own skin. I'm 25lbs down &  I'm proud of my body because I've worked hard for it.  Self image & self esteem are no longer a daily struggle. 

I am finally starting to love my self, I'm happy with my skin & the curves I've been blessed with.

For the very first time in my life I am looking at these body building competitors  and being inspired. I am sincerely sorry for harboring resentment in my heart and for all the hate I spewed over the past years. 

I'm done being a hater. I'm done letting  the lines get blurred between what I think & feel and what really is. 

 Now I can look an a body and appreciate it for what it is- a temple of God! I can appreciate all the work, time, dedication & sacrifice it takes to achieve it, because although I'm not there (YET) I have had to put in plenty of time & work  making difficult changes (like cutting out ICE CREAM!) to get to where I am.

I want to do something with the opportunity I've been given. I have put out my goals into the universe and I will not be stopped until I reach them. I've started and quit so many things in my life that I consider myself a failure.  

I didn't have a reason or purpose for doing the things I used to do, and that's ok, because I learned from my failures. In our team  Beachbody trainings I have learned that to succeed, I need to do more than work for it. 

In order to succeed I have to figure out and define why I want to do it- or inevitably I'll just quit. 

So I've dug deep, deeper than I ever let myself go and I found it. My motivation stems from my story (You can read it here). The people who have hurt me in the past, broke me & made me believe I was worthless and weak. This is my chance to prove them  & the world wrong. 
This is my opportunity to climb to the top of my mountain, to stand tall and unashamed. 

Every fiber in my being is screaming that THIS IS IT.

I want my physical body to visibly stand as strong as my faith. 

I want to experience a complete transformation and get closer to God as I shed the fat that I accumulated out of hurt and anger. 

I have never set a definite goal because I've been afraid to fail. Insecurities about whether or not I could succeed kept me from even trying.  When I first started my fitness journey I came up some random goals with no expiration date. 
But not this time. I'm giving myself a definite goal & timeline.
I want to compete- while I will have to stand in comparison with other competitors, I'm really only competing against my negative mind. I am convinced that once I set my plan in motion I won't fail unless I quit. 

AND I'M NOT QUITTING!!!!!

I ask for your help. PLEASE! Keep me accountable, Keep me motivated & Keep me in your prayers.

 

INSPIRED by this woman's 14 Week Bikini Transformation & Journey to the WBFF Worlds 2013

Do believe in yourself?

Well that's a bold question. I think I believe in myself... clearly it's time to step up. When I first started this journey I knew I could do it, but after facing doubt and rejection from my inner circle I wavered. The important thing is that I'm still at it. You can't fail if you don't quit.





One Trait Of All Successful People