Keep record of your day

Do you journal?

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes journaling feels like a chore, a bore, and at times it even feels torturesome. (Yes I'm aware that's not really a word)

However, every time I do journal for a continued period of time, I see the benefit of doing so.

I'm not going to list the benefits, because I'm sure you already know them, and if you don't, they're simple a google or Pinterest search away.

There are probably tons of blogs about it, and that's not really the point of why I'm writing this.

So, why am I bringing this up you might ask...

Well here it is: I have been attending something called CR or Celebrate Recovery for almost the past 2 years. If you're like me, and you've never heard about this program before you're probably assuming that it's not something you need or could benefit from... but if you're breathing- it is!!!

You can click on the link above to learn more about it and you can even click HERE if you decide you'd like to check it out in person so you can call me a liar! 

(Please do go and check it out sometime)

I will likely share more about it in the future, as it is one the reasons I've decided to start my blog back up again after a couple years... 

So a few updates for those that know me, or care to learn more about me. Since the last time I blogged, we moved, bought our first home, got a second dog, I went back to work after being a stay ay home mama for 6 1/2 years. Then I got pregnant and didn't go back to work after maternity leave. I started and quit 3 more MLM/NWM adventures. I took on a leadership role in this special ministry. I have made some wonderful friends and of course now that I love where I am, the army is moving us again. 

Oh yeah, did I mention after lots of prayer and research I decided to homeschool my 7th, 3rd and 1st graders this year! Shortly after, my husband and I decided that we could make some more big changes to better serve our family... a decision we made was to downsize from our 2,250 sq ft home and buying a 230sq ft travel trailer for tiny and intentional living. (yes you read that right, almost a 90% downsizing)

No more packing and unpacking every 2-3yrs, just hitch up our home and go to the next place. We're almost 10yrs into this crazy military life and my husband plans on doing the full 20 so we have at least 4-5moves ahead of us.

He's training right now, he's been gone for a month and won't be home for another month. My life  as it is in this moment with 4 kids and 2 large dogs is a lot to manage on my own. 

I don't know what I'd do without my church family... We will have to be at our new duty station just a couple weeks after he gets home so my days here are tik-tok counting down. 

I've got to get our home ready to sell, pack and downsize and let go of all the things we've accumulated over the past few years and only hold on to the few essentials.

If you know me, I'm a Jane of all trades. I have a craft room full to the brims with supplies, tools, most new and some of my hidden purchases from when I was dealing with the depths of my depression binging on retail therapy... 

(my declining mental health is a major reason why I had stopped blogging in the first place)

So I'm having to let it ALL go, breaking my emotional attachment to things, trying to homeschool 3 kids while a baby screams and the dogs fight and bark at the wind and keep my sanity. To say I feel overwhelmed is an understatement, but it's such a blessing to have this forever family that prays for us and shows up for us when we need it

Anyway, back to the journaling... tonight at CR we had a lesson on taking a daily inventory of our actions. To paraphrase the speaker said "If you don't keep record of how, when, where you spend your money, you're likely to wonder where it goes, the same is to be said of your time/energy/peace. If you don't keep record of what happened in your day, it's harder to realize why you think/feel/react the way you do." 

And that really resonated with me.

On lesson nights we have a focus question for small groups, tonights question was about how a daily inventory can keep you from falling off the recovery wagon.

I shared that when I did keep my journal I was able to see the patterns and discover the triggers that kept popping up. 

If there are things in your life that confuse you, write them down. Yes it makes it real, acknowledging that you don't have it all together on paper can seem like too much, but awareness is where the road to freedom begins.

If you're like me, you might be asking/telling yourself "I wouldn't even know where to start, what do I even write?" 

"NO, none, everything, I prayed for someone, eventually, my kids, fear, not at all, direction."
These are my honest to goodness answers to these questions. I will likely not expand in a journal form tonight as its already past my bed time and I've got a sleeping baby latched on to my breast asleep in my arms as I type. (Yes I'm crunchy, I do baby led weaning and we co-sleep)
So with all that said, I hope I've inspired you to ask yourself some questions, to start or get back into journaling and taking care of yourself.
Journaling is a form of self care & self love. Don't let fear hold you back!!

I'll leave you with a quote I learned at Fearless Moms growth group this past spring-
"Guilt and shame (and fear) are like mold, they grow in the dark" it's time to get those thoughts and feelings out of your body, put them on paper (burn it after if you need to, or post anonymously online). But do keep a running gratitude list!!! Balance is imperative! There is bad but also good in every day.

My goal is to come back & write at least once a week. Looking forward to sharing this crazy, fun, emotional ride with you- if you know me- hold me accountable!!!!

In my feelings...

The other day on my drive to work I heard a story on the radio that broke my heart. It was about a young girl who had a terminal disease and had only days left of life. Her wish was to marry her best friend one day and he agreed. Mind you they were both under 10, never the less the parents set up a ceremony and they got "married". The young girl died just a couple days later...

It pained my heart but as much as I wanted to sit there and shed a tear, I was running late so I rushed out from my car and buried it. Almost toward the end of my 4 hour shift a little boy approached me and asked if I worked there. He told me his mom was having a hard time finding her size so I followed him back to his mother who had her back towards me.

"Mommy I found someone to help you!" he said excitedly as she turned around. Half of her face, chest and her left arm were covered in burn marks... "Malachi don't bother the lady, I'm ok" she said embarrassed avoiding eye contact. I asked her what size she needed and offered my help but she declined- so I wrote her size down for Malachi and showed him how to look for it on the drawers. He is 6yrs old and had a younger brother with him no older than 3. As they were leaving he approached me again and said  "I'm sad we couldn't find her size but thank you for your help." The look of disappointment in his eyes, like he let his mom down- it burned right through me.

I couldn't help but wonder what happened to her. Did she run into a burning building to save her sons? Did an abusive husband burn her in an act of violence for trying to keep her boys safe? I'll never know, but what I do know is that Malachi looked at his mother like she was the most beautiful woman in the world and he loves her deeply.

Then I got home and watched some Grey's Anatomy and cried my eyes out... There is so much that I feel through out my day that I can't react to, that finally being able to feel and express it openly from under my covers is a much needed cathartic release. And then after all of that, I get to lay down in my comfy bed, in my house, next to my loving husband, with our healthy loving children sleeping upstairs and our loyal dogs laying close by protective of us all. Overwhelmed with gratitude, I back to waterworks until I eventually fall asleep...

I used to hate being so darn sensitive and emotional, but I feel so blessed to have the ability to emphasize, sympathize and feel so deeply. Just as the smallest things can bring so much pain, they can also bring so much joy! It's almost funny when my 5yr old sees me tearing up and asks me "What's wrong? Why are you crying?" and I have to explain happy tears.

It's ok to feel folks! You're entitled to having emotions- just don't stay stuck in a bad one... Night will fall, but the sun will always rise again. 🌞

Mental & Emotional tracking

Hello again!

So I was going though Pinterest looking for stuff- printables, layout ideas, stickers, trackers etc and I came across this:

and it blew my mind!

Since Winter of 2013 I have been struggling with anxiety and depression.
Every time I went to my doctors office for a follow up I was asked to evaluate my past 2 weeks and average out how I had been feeling.
People! I couldn't even recall how I got out of bed that morning or if I had had breakfast but I was supposed to produce analysis on my mental & emotional status on demand?

I'm not sure how accurately I answered. My "numbers" were improving according to my doctor's interpretations of my answers even though I felt like I was devolving and spiraling deeper into darkness... I was prescribed the wrong medication for me and I took it for nearly a year.

I desperately wanted a way to show them, diagram my emotions, make a pie chart of some sort to visually explain the torturous turmoil inside me... but I didn't know how or what to do to help myself.

Winter of 14 I discovered this whole "BuJo" idea, and found support to start my journey in a Facebook group.
It was there that I discovered ways to use my personal bullet journal for more than just productivity. Thanks to this method I was able to better explain myself to my doctors and I was put on a different prescription and it made such a HUGE difference towards my progress towards feeling like myself again. 

I've made monthly mood trackers before which are fun and nice to see but to be able to see the whole year... that's just incredible. I wanted to make sure that if anyone else who saw it- liked it- then they too could start doing it right away so I made a PDF form of it but with more defined "moods" or feelings that I personally roller coaster through. You can go ahead and: right click- save image as to your computer and print it off!

.::Click here to download::.