A song can say so much

There's some songs that just take the words out of your mouth. This one really hit home for me at a time when I was starting to get comfortable with God. Sometimes we fall into a comfortable complacency and we stop trying to influence the world & give way for the world  to influence us. "Oh I'm saved, I've been good, I can get away with a little bit of this & that" Before you know it, you stop reading your bible. The Bible will keep you away from sin & sin will keep you from the Bible. Why? Because you don't want to read and feel condemned- If the shoe fits wear it. If you don't want to wear it CHANGE THE SHOE! Stop sinning and you will no longer have anything to feel guilty about.

This song is a prayer that we should say if e ever feel like we are falling asleep on our faith. 

These are the lyrics, personalized into a prayer form.

Remember that there is no perfect way to pray. Just talk to Him.

Tell him what you think and how you feel. If there's something that you need,

Believe that he will grant it, because according to your faith it shall be added unto you.

Dare to say this prayer today!

LORD AWAKEN ME! because sometimes I feel like I'm just existing but I'm not really living. It's like I'm only watching time slip away.

Sometimes I forget who I am in you & I stop striving to be who I'm meant to be. 

I feel like I'm drifting away from my destiny.
I pray that you Awaken my heart & my soul. Lord, please use your power and take control. 

Awaken the passion to live for you, and Awaken me.
My soul is longing & my heart is searching. There's an emptiness that I know only you can fill. I'm desperate for you to move. Please give me a hunger to come and pull me closer. 

I'm crying out to you. Open my eyes so I can see your presence dwelling inside, because I can't live another minute if I'm not shining your light. Awaken the passion within in me to live out my destiny and shine your light through me.










LYRICS

I Have A Story Project

I came across this picture on Instagram from @PoeticRainSDYP a fellow survivor and it inspired me to talk about my personal survival story.

WARNING: LONG EMOTIONAL & PERSONAL READ

Right here, Right now I declare that I'm breaking every chain that has ever held me back.

Everything happens for a reason, we don't always understand why we have to go through certain things, but know that "God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him." Romans 8:28 

Most of us go through life trying our best to hide our scars & the things we've experienced that made us who we are. We hide where we came from, where we started and who we used to be. Either because we are ashamed, it still hurts or it's still a secret struggle. We live our daily lives  trying to be something were not in fear of rejection. 

What would people think & say if they knew about the skeletons in my closet??

All the walls I have built to keep people out have also been the walls that have kept me in isolation. I've lived a life of hurt, darkness & fear! But boy am I glad I know that Jesus has saved me & that a day awaits where there will be no more pain, no more fears & no more tears!!! As a believer I AM meant to be the light on the hill, therefore there is no reason why I should keep any darkness within me. I'm setting it free.

What you know about your "friends" can be so superficial & artificial. You don't really know much about anyone besides what they post on Instagram & Facebook . 

There are no deep connections, relationships are meaningless. There is no intimacy, no depth & no roots. How can we relate to a stranger? It's simple- we can't. 

So in efforts of helping you understand who I am and why I do what I do- let me take you back into time as I open my heart to you.

Growing up my aunt lived with us and babysat me. When I turned 8 she married & moved in with her husband. Mom would have me stay with them over summer & winter breaks .Unbeknown to us, he was a porn addict. Porn to him was past beyond a quick indulgence, it was his drug of choice and he was addicted to it. So much so that watching alone was no longer enough- it had rewired his brain...  

It all began when I was playing with the neighbor behind the house & we noticed the TV was on in the master bedroom. We believed no one was home so we decided we should turn it off and return to our play time. We walked into the bedroom and immediately our eyes were magnetized to the screen. We sat at the edge of the bed and giggled. Thats when I heard him chuckle behind us. One hand under the blankets and the other stretched out towards the neighbor as he asked her to come hither.

Something was off, I didn't know what was going on but I knew it didn't feel right. Before her hand reached his I puller her arm away & told her she should go home. He looked at me menacingly & I ran out. That night I woke up to him sitting besides me as he explored my 8yr old body. I sat up in a panic and I told him I would scream if he didn't stop. He reached for his handgun and told me it was in my best interest to keep my mouth shut, otherwise he'd shoot my aunt while she slept, call my mom and shoot her as soon as she walked through the door and I'd be next. 

I decided 2 lives were worth more than my discomfort so I kept it a secret.  My mom was a single mom so she worked two jobs and didn't have time to look after me so she would send me away to spend vacations in their house. And so for the following 3 years, during every summer & winter breaks, I was accessible to him and he would sexually harass me. I am grateful that he never penetrated, but it doesn't make the years of abuse any less damaging. He forced me to watch his poisonous filth hoping that it would ignite something sexual in me. It didn't, it only made me hate my body. 

Summer of 2000 I got my menses and he was no longer interested. He ended after he sneaked into my shower to take pictures of me. A few weeks later he filed for divorce. I would have never understood why this happened until I read this book many years later. -->

I was 11. Things were changing so fast. I had just started 6th grade, I had been exposed to things beyond the innocence of my peers and my body was going through changes.

I hated myself. I hated my body. 

I hated my skin. I hated my life. 

How could God let this happen to me? Wasn't it enough to make me grow up without a father? Why did the first male role model in my life have to take advantage of me??

I started to self mutilate. 

Cutting was my escape.

I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to cut deep enough for it to hurt & to bleed. I had trouble sleeping and I was afraid of the dark. 

I'd close my eyes and see him there grimacing as he touched me. 

The mental torture became unbearable I just had to hurt my body to shift my mind to a different source of pain and numb my head & heart.

I was 5'4 & 127 pounds by the end of 6th grade. I did not have the body of a child. At the age of 12, I had male suitors ranging from ages 16 to 24. I hated them for wanting me. I hated my curves. I hated the compliments. I trusted no one. To hide my scars & my curves I became a tomboy. A loner. A misfit. Misunderstood, neglected & alone. Mom worked 2 jobs so I had enough time alone to get into trouble.  I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and picked up smoking cigarettes.

 In efforts to set me straight, my mother sent me to Mexico to live with my grandmother. She put me in an all girls Catholic school. It might have worked but I blamed her for what happened. If she had not sent me away during vacations, if she had kept a close eye on me, if she didn't work so much, If only.... maybe my childhood would have been differently.  Once again, she was sending me away. 

My cousin was the leader of the street hooligans, so to spite my mom I hung out with them. My grandmother was old and busy praying for everyone else, so I was free to roam. I was riding motorcycles, staying out past midnight. Wearing thick black eye liner, a smoke in my hand, chucks on my feet, loose dickies, a muscle tank & my studded belt- I declared my independence.

The week after my 13th birthday we had a death in the family. My grandma & all the adults were gone for the 24hr funeral viewing and prayer. I was  the oldest girl who stayed behind so I was left in charge of 5 of my younger cousins. My older cousin & his crew "guarded" the house. Around 2am Some of the fellas came in and started smoking pot. They turned on the tv & put on the nudie channel. They were being loud, the smoke was seeping through the closed door & the sleeping toddlers were stirring up. Hot headed as I was I confronted the guys. One guy told another guy to "handle me" so they could enjoy the show on the screen.

He picked me up & dragged to the back of the house with a hand over my mouth. He was high & excited and from the look in his eyes I just knew what was about to happen. As soon as he removed his hand from my mouth I spit in his face. He punched my chin knocking me off my feet & onto my back. Knock out. When I came to my senses there he was taking what little virtue I had left.  

Already feeling unloved & worthless the fight within me was dying. With my breaking heart, eyes swelled with tears, my voice failed. Whispering sobs of "no don't, please stop" went unheard. 

I wished with all my heart that I could just die. 

I gave up. I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep, all I did was cry. For the reminder of the year I didn't leave home except for school. I failed all my classes.

On New years eve had a Bronchospasm, in my room while everyone was celebrating. My airways had constricted & there was very little oxygen coming in. I passed out. Luckily someone came in to give me a new years hug & found me. I was rushed to the hospital just in time, good thing because it was with this brush with death that I decided The best revenge I could have was TO LIVE. 
Life had taken so much from me and it was time for me to start taking back. I was not about to let go of my dreams to someday marry, have kids, own a dog, buy a house, travel & catch bad guys. I was determined not to die and be remembered as that sad confused girl who was moping around the last few months of her life. That was NOT an option. I was going to LIVE and I was going to find TRUE LOVE & I was going to lead life of HAPPINESS.

My mom brought me back to California. We moved to a new house, but I went back to the same school. I took a look at my old friends & saw that they were not headed to where I wanted to be, so I was once again I found myself a loner. 

It felt like forever but then I started High school. As luck would have it, I got jumped by 3 girls & a guy in my first week!!! The victim in me wanted to give up, but the fighter in me had a plan in motion. 

My mom put me in a martial arts school to learn self defense. My grades went up, I joined extra curricular activities in school. I was part of the school pride leadership team & the theater production company. I was a karate kid Tuesdays & Thursdays and singer, dancer & actress on Monday, Wednesdays & Fridays. Gaining strength & learning self discipline in martial arts, gaining confidence & learning to laugh and play in the theater club. 

Being on stage made me feel alive. I could be me & I wouldn't be judged. I became strong & fit. I was able to kick through 4 boards & defend myself. I got the lead role in the play, I sang a solo & dance my heart out on stage while people watched & clapped for me. Life was looking up.

 I also joined the police explorer program for kids interested in law enforcement. I made new friends. I went to an explorer police academy. It was 6 days of what I imagine basic training is like. Officers screaming in your face, having to run everywhere with a buddy, morning group runs, marching, chow hall, bunks, 3min shared showers, long hours of lectures, obstacle courses, bonding with your fellow group members &  graduation. 

 A couple of weeks before my 15th birthday, Sophomore year, I met my "High School sweetheart."(If it could even be called that, he had already graduated.) We dated steady for the duration of my High School experience. 

I had performed 2yrs in a row for the school theater club, I earned my black belt & I got several certificates from the Police explorer program. My Junior year I decided to try out for the cheerleading squad. Senior year was the best. I belonged. I was part of something. I had finished my academic classes early and had the easiest elective class. I was living, loving & being happy. I graduated with a 3.7 at the age of 17. 

My father was now involved and wanted to be a part of my life. He talked to my mom because  he wanted me to spend some time with him. He flew me out to him the week after graduating.  He told me he wanted to put me in the most prestigious private university in Mexico. So I packed my bags & kissed my 3yr boyfriend goodbye. 

My dad was married and his wife didn't know about me. To buy himself some time, I had to stay at his lady friends house. She told me he had been married 3 times & I had 7 half brothers & sisters with 4 different moms. I actually had a brother who was 2months older than me, but he had tragically passed away in a freak playground accident. 

This lady friend of his had 2 sons of her own, one was 18 & the other 21. I was there for 5days before my dad came around again, in the mean time she had her boys show me around town. Motorcycle rides, carnivals, sport events, movies, and they even tried teaching me how to drive. I was a confident athletic girl so wherever we went the guys introduced me as their girlfriend and they got praised, it was flattering.

My father had retired from Law enforcement as a narcotics division commander. He had saved & invested in several businesses in town. Co-Owner of gas stations, bakeries, super markets, condos & restaurants. He was  building me a house & bought a restaurant in my name. Whatever revenues came through the restaurant were for my bills & me. He took me car shopping, but I didn't know how to drive so we skipped it. Trips to the mall, vacations, I met some of my siblings and I wasn't alone. Life was golden.

School would start soon so my dad sat me down & told me to think seriously about living there permanently. I had flight tickets to return back home to talk it over with my mom. It was now late July & I was still underage so my mom would had to approve of my decision. 

I had stayed at his lady friends house during my entire 6week visit. My last day we all went out to a water park & being wet all day had me feeling under the weather. I took a double doze of NyQuil, I had a noon flight so I wanted to get a good nights rest. 

That night there was a really bad thunder storm. The house I was staying in was in mid construction. There were 3 bedrooms on the second floor but there was no roof over the entire area. Stepping out of the door from my room was like walking out into the roof. Next to my door was her younger son's door, the other room was used for storage.

I had been so caught up basking in happiness over my change of luck I didn't notice he had become compulsively obsessed with me. 

I recall waking up to the sound of a loud thundering crash. I saw him sitting on the edge of my bed rocking back & forth with a butchers knife in his hand looking at me intensely.  It felt like de-javu. He said to me:  "You can't leave. You can't leave me. I love you more than life and I can't lose you. I'd rather die..."  taking the knife to his neck. He threateningly asked "Do you love me? or should I end it?" I responded "I do, I love you! Please don't do that!" 

Still drowsy & eyes half opened I reached for the knife trying to deescalate by saying I had to leave but I'd be back shortly to start school anyways. 

 He opened his arms gesturing for a hug & I reluctantly gave in. With his arms wrapped around me he reached for the knife and now it was against my neck  

"Prove to me that you love me or I'll kill you for lying" he whispered in my ear.

I nervously laughed saying he should stop playing & that we needed to go back to sleep. He chuckled, let go & turned away. 

Naively assuming he was leaving, I turned walking back towards my bed... 

A loud thud, sharp pain & confusion. He had pushed my head into the wall & my body fell limp... The rest was a blur. I have faint memories of the knife, one hand on my neck & the other over my mouth. Next thing I remember, I was waking up in pain and bruised. 

I showered & scrubbed violently breaking my skin into visible blood filled pores. 

The hot water ran cold & then my dad knocked on the door. It was time to go. I quickly got dressed & came down stairs. Still raining & hair dripping wet from the shower, my tears blended in. I didn't see him on my way out. A quiet ride to the airport and I hugged my father tightly one last time. Goodbye. (And I haven't seen him since.  This was in 2006)

When I returned home & didn't breathe a word. I wanted to black it out & pretend it never happened. I signed up for the Santa Monica community college starting early September.  It was just a few blocks from the beach & the ocean has always been a place of comfort for me. The first day of school I was in a hurry, school was a 2hr bus ride away so didn't eat breakfast . I felt nauseous & nervous. My mouth was dry & I was hungry so I drank a ton of water &  had to pee every 15mins. I didn't really want to be there. I was depressed again and I couldn't focus. The 2nd day of school I just felt plain sick. I ditched classes and went to the pier. I stared down into the water thinking about jumping over the rail. My life was a train wreck. I attracted negative energy everywhere I went. What was the point? There was none- Period!... 

Period... when was my last period... early July...

I quickly made my way to the nearest pharmacy. I purchased 4 sticks & all showed 2 lines.

I was so afraid, but at the same time followed by an odd sense of peace, I felt relief. 

I called one of the cheerleaders who had had a baby. We weren't close, but I didn't know who else to turn to for help. She was very kind & took me to 2 clinics. Sure enough positive urinalysis & blood test.

Staff nurse : "How old are  you?",  Me :"17", nurse: "Do you work?", me: "no", nurse: "'ok well, You're only 8weeks along, do you want me to schedule you for a termination?"... 

I don't think i have ever felt so much anger in my life as I did in that moment. It was just sinking in that I was capable of creating the miracle of life.

After feeling like all my reasons to live were taken from me- now I had something, or better said, someone to live for. 

How dare she insinuate that I should terminate MY unborn child?? I replied by saying she could terminate our services because I was going elsewhere for my prenatal care.

 I was an active girl. I had strong core. I didn't start showing until late November... I thought I could hide it but my mom found my pregnancy results, confronted me & kicked me out of the house with only the clothes on my back because I didn't want to talk about it. Eventually my mom got over it & let me back in.

 I was determined to do whatever it took, I worked during my pregnancy so I could afford to provide for my heaven sent angel. I went back to school full time when my baby was 4months old & I worked part time. I wanted to do something and be someone my child could be proud of.

I am NOT a victim. 

God gave me this life because he knew I could handle it. I AM STRONG, because I am weak, and in my weakness his strength is magnified. I'm sharing this with you because my life is a testimony that no matter what happens THERE IS HOPE. I'm not going to hide what made me who I am. I choose to fight, vocalize my story so others can find strength in it. 

 I know God had a purpose for the way things happened. I've grown, matured, gained strength & wisdom. I was able to speak at a rape survivor conference & give my testimony. I  touched the lives of those few I shared my story with. I have opened the eyes of many & changed stand points in regards to rape abortions. I'm very much Pro-Life. God makes no mistakes. No matter if your parents planned you, it was an "accident" or a misfortune- God had a plan for your life before you were conceived. 
Going through a traumatic experience like this kills the innermost sense of self, your value, your worth. You're left feeling weak, dirty & used. Add an abortion on top and now you have guilt, shame, regret on top- the perfect recipe for disaster. 
I don't pass judgement on those who take that route. God BLESSED me with courage, strength & favor. Even when my family looked down on me for having a child out of wedlock I pushed forward. My mom refused to tell anyone what happened, so everyone believed my 3yr boyfriend was the father. To them I was a piece of work. 

PLEASE- DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER.

Perhaps someone going through something similar will read this & feel like they are not alone. Perhaps you know someone who acts crazy & you think is a lost cause but you've never taken the time to look them in the eyes and ask whats going on. 
Don't add to their struggle if you don't know what demons they're fighting.

 I was created to overcome obstacles. I was created to believe and achieve. I was created to lift & inspire others and I was made to lead. My fitness journey has encouraged me to make my body a reflection of my  faith and inner strength. I want to transform my lifestyle to match the transformation of my heart, mind & spirit. 

When my day comes, I want to be remembered as the woman who dared to dream big and wasn't scared to follow them. The woman who achieved everything she set her mind to. 
I want to get to the top of my mountain & yell that there is a light at the end of the tunnel; you just have to keep going to reach it. Telling my story gives a voice to those who have been silenced. It is my wish to give strength to those who have been broken. 

We are survivors, we are strong & we are beautiful. 

DARE TO BE LOVED- YOU DESERVE IT NO MATTER HOW FAR YOUVE GONE, HOW MUCH YOU'VE BROKEN, OR HOW BAD YOU THINK YOU'VE MESSED UP. GOD'S GRACE AND LOVE ARE GREATER THAN ANY OF IT AND HIS HEALING IS UP FOR THE TAKING. I CHALLENGE YOU TO INVITE HIM INTO YOUR HEART, MAKE HIM YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR SO THAT HE CAN RENEW YOUR SPIRIT AND GIVE YOU PEACE. <3

Daring to Dream

I haven't been keeping up. I've been crazy running around like a lost sheep without a trail. I've been wandering in the dessert & I have been wanting for more.
But why more? More of what? More shoes, more food, more clothes, more money, more friends, more time... No... What I needed more of was Jesus.
I signed up for this and that, I went here & there... searching, wanting & not finding.
What's missing? My husband! My spiritual leader! I miss him!!!
I'm tired, I'm exhausted, It's been one thing after another. I wanted a break, I needed a break, but I wasn't getting one. Why? Was this a test? Did I have to keep going through it because I was failing & I couldn't get on to the next level until I passed?
Then something happened. One of my friends from bible study, who's been itching to start working out but couldn't due to pregnancy had her baby. Her husband is deployed & she has an older child. A mutual friend from bible study,  pretty much took over the parenting  responsibilities.
 This friend's husband was away for a 6wk training & she has a child of her own. While he was gone, she decided to start  her health & fitness challenge. She made a lifestyle change by doing Insanity. I saw the exhaustion in her eyes, but not once did she complain.
I watched said child for a night & it was a very interesting dynamic to have 4 children under 1 roof with no help, but it was refreshing.
 An act of selfless service ~ just a splash of joy to my thirsting soul.

I started to look around, I another friend of mine who has autistic twins is making changes to her lifestyle, she started out with P90X3 & then Les Mills Combat. She has lost 30lbs since the year started- her husband is also deployed. My neighbor has 5kids, the 4th has trisomi 18 & has surgeries coming up, she too is doing her fitness while her husband is deployed. A photography client of mine also has a special needs child with surgeries coming up. Her husband just recently deployed & I had the privilege to shoot some family pictures before his departure & she's been working hard on her fitness. Another client & now friend of mine with a deployed spouse & child, went back home to finish her high school credits to earn her diploma AND started working on her fitness. Where am I getting with this?
While I was feeling sorry for myself & my lack of joy & desire- these strong powerful women started flourishing  like flowers in spring around me. What did they all have in common? Fitness.

SO I looked into my own fitness, I was working out sporadically, enough to maintain but not enough to push forward. I was going through the motions. I'd burn off 300 calories to justify eating an extra serving of food. Not necessarily junk food, but out of my proportions. 
I know my weaknesses. I'm an emotional eater. When I feel bad, I eat, when I eat, I gain weight, when I gain weight, I feel bad & the cycle starts over. Missing my husband was making me sad but do I want my husband to come home to a fat, sad/angry wife? No. Do I want my kids to watch me put myself through that? No. So I said: Enough, something's gotta give. 
Then God winked at me. I had just finished my sewing orders when I got recommended & chosen out of a list of several to shoot a home school graduation. I've always had it in my heart to home school. But how? 

We barely get by on a single government subsidized income & my husband wants out. We've talked about him staying in long enough for all the kids to start school before separating from the military because lets face it, no way, no how a family of 5 can survive in this economy out in the civilian world off a single income. 

"Well why don't YOU work?" I often get asked. "Even if I did get a job, I'd end up paying more than my pay check to cover child care expenses, we'll need a second car, pay insurance on that, gas... it costs money to make money!"
So I met these kids & they were wonderful well rounded individuals. I looked at their parents and they were proud & fulfilled. I asked a set of moms "How do you like homeschooling?" ~ "It's well worth the sacrifice, but it has to be in your heart." 

I came home & I started VISUALIZING what it would be like, except my phone kept beeping with facebook notifications & I kept getting side tracked. 

Then God winked at me again. On a single income, we can't afford fancy phones, so my little android keeps running out of memory space. The biggest chunk of memory space was being occupied by facebook- what a coincidence, so was my day. So with all the pain in my heart, I did the unthinkable, I deleted the app. 
It freed up the memory on my phone & it freed up so much time for me too. 

So what did I do on facebook? I read people's status updates... hmmm reading... wait a minute, I HAVE a list of things I wanted to complete over deployment... where was it? Oh there it wass #1. Read 9 books, 1 per month of deployment. Holly molly we're on month 3, I'm 3 books behind!!!

Did you know that 58% of high school graduates wont read another book after leaving high school? Crazy right? Well if you know me, you know that I don't take kindly to being called a statistic, so I try my hardest to do the opposite.
So I started reading my Bible again, but for real this time, I've been reading for about a week straight & writing about it! Finding the Rhema, Promise, Command, Warning & Application out of my reading. 
Then I looked at my bookshelf & out of the approximately 20 new books that I have yet to read, the one that called out to me was: "The Slight Edge: Secret to a Successful Life" By Jeff Olson

I invested in this book about 4yrs ago when I had joined a business opportunity I quit on... I have signed up for 8 different business opportunities in the past century & the one thing they all shared in common was: SELF DEVELOPMENT.
 
So I started to read. There's 168 pages in this book I'm on page 117- wow, what a game changer.
I was so filled with purpose & desire that I went out & purchased another 8 books! Now I have my 9 titles to read by deployment's end!

Self development is knowledge & knowledge is power. So this entire week I've been pushing myself harder in my work outs, I started walking/jogging, I started waking up earlier, I actually finally started practicing the 3 vital behaviors for success. 

2 nights ago I visited a church with a friend of mine & it was amazing. She too is working on her fitness. Sadly I became privy of a struggle she is going through. This is a very dear friend to me, so her struggle hurt deep in my heart, because I've been there. I immediately took the personal development CD's out of my stereo & handed them over. I hope she listened to them. All the drive home I prayed, when I got home I prayed before bed & yesterday morning when I woke up the burden was so heavy in my heart but I had run out of thoughts & words.

Romans 8:26-28 The Message (MSG)

^26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

During the visit of that church I was reminded of who I serve, the great I AM, the all powerful, all knowing, all wonderful & all mighty God. There was an altar call, we should have gone up but she held back. God nudged me to nudge her, but she declined & I settled. We were in the 3rd row, closed in by 2 other people but the 2 rows in front of us were empty. Had I been bold enough I would have more than happily jumped over the seats to get to the front... but my feet were glued to the ground. In the church where I was saved, during encounter, they told us the holly spirit could not speak through us if we didn't open our mouths. I heard people speaking in tongues & it was frightening. I didn't open my mouth then, I was too afraid. Well not anymore, if not for anything else this week of self development brought me to the conclusion that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. What ever I ask for in the name of Jesus will be granted, but I must:

Matthew 7:7-11 The Voice (VOICE)

⁷ Just ask and it will be given to you; seek after it and you will find. Continue to knock and the door will be opened for you. ⁸ All who ask receive. Those who seek, find what they seek. And he who knocks, will have the door opened.

⁹ Think of it this way: if your son asked you for bread, would you give him a stone? Of course not—you would give him a loaf of bread. ¹⁰ If your son asked for a fish, would you give him a snake? No, to be sure, you would give him a fish—the best fish you could find. ¹¹ So if you, who are sinful, know how to give your children good gifts, how much more so does your Father in heaven, who is perfect, know how to give great gifts to His children!

So I opened my mouth, and he spoke, tears flowing down my face, arms lifted high & my face to the heavens. What an amazing feeling of overwhelming peace. Friend,if you're reading this, read Romans 8:28-39. Everything is going to be ok.

Whats the point to my story? Evey thing effects everything. The condition of your personal growth has an effect on your physical & spiritual fitness which affects your physical health, thus affecting your emotional health, your financial health, your relationships, your purpose,& how you spend your time.

I don't have time or the desire to be upset or have negative energy over things I can't control. I've got 3 kids I have to put a happy face on for. Be I; sick, sore, tired, lonely- I do what I have to do. I will struggle, but the thing that I thank God I learned early in life, it's that Life is 10% what happens & 90% how you deal with it. There is a very dark deep painful emotional loneliness & depression that can swallow me whole if I let it. But if I let it, what service am I doing my husband& my kids?

 I Love my husband, and I am proud of what he's doing. Yes, I've got my hands full with my munchkins but he's sacrificing his bed, his cuddle sessions, our quality time & affection- for what? to provide for US.
 The very least I can do for him, is to I get up, get dressed, show up AND get on with the day regardless of how I'm feeling.I have finally found my WHY POWER.

 I don't just think  that it would be nice if my husband came home to a fit wife. I desire with my inner most being to do my very best to make him proud of me. I want him to know that his sacrifices were not in vain. I want to shock & awe him when he gets home with what I've accomplished while he was away. 
I don't want him to come home to the me I was before he left, because although there's nothing wrong with that me, that me can be so much better. I am not yet to where I want to be, but I'm much better that where I used to be & he deserves every single improvement & upgrade. 

The thing about wanting things, is that you can either sit back thinking about what you want wishing that your dreams would come true, if you still allow yourself to dream. Or you can get up and do whatever it takes to go get them.The only way to build your dreams is to build them. Literally. So build your dreams or get hired to build someone elses dream. 

My plate is full, my hands are full, my day is not nearly long enough to accomplish the things I set out to do. But I try my best do them, because I want my husband to know that I love him & I want to honor him &God with everything I do. I choose to do something positive with my current situation, my unfortunate circumstance.

You CAN help others only IF help yourself FIRST, so do yourself a favor & pick up a self development book & read just 10 pages a day. For things to get better,YOU have to get better. Do that which will move you forward & onward. The week has 7 days and "Someday" is not one of them. Ultimately YOU decide what you do. The choice is yours. Ask. Seek. Knock. Dare to dream & dare to be loved.

I'm dreaming & I'm dreaming big. Fitness is definitely the industry to work in. In a world of instant gratification- fast food is on the rise. A new McDonald's just opened outside gate 4! 

I'm believing God for success. A Prophet told my husband he has an evangelical pastoral calling on his life & he has a missionary heart. We're supposed to tithe 10% of our earnings to God, I declare here & now that my goal is to make enough to where I can support our family with 10% of our income so we can give 90% back. Missionary trips, new churches, schools, shelters, wherever God needs us I want to go there. 
We can't go now because we cannot afford it, but if God has put it in my heart I know there is a reason. 
Yes I know, those are big dreams, but guess what? My God is BIGGER! There are no impossibles for him.

Want to start your own fitness journey? Click _--->Here

Flash: Underexposed

Hello again. I've been MIA and I didn't want Feb to come & go without making a single entry.
I've been feeling dry and empty as of late. My husband left on his first deployment to Afghanistan recently, and it's funny because I've described the way I'm feeling as "Being in the dessert".
For a while before he left we were in the dark about whether he would have to go or not, and for a second due to the events leading up to the deployment I was sure he wouldn't have to go. He was one of the new guys, he got left behind from their preparative training operation, and he was in a car accident which totaled his car that injured his thumb and wrist on his shooting hand... but as the days drew closer I had an unsettling feeling that he would in fact be leaving. Ever since then it's been like someone turned up the f stop and lowered the ISO on my lenses (eyes) making my life underexposed.

What that means to me as a Photographer is that there's little to light coming in. I've lost the desire to do the things I love doing the most. I haven't worked out, It pains me to sew... even indulging in retail therapy leaves me feeling emptier & lonelier than ever. I got a brand spanking new awesome camera & lenses. I upgraded from a Canon Rebel T3 12mp with Kit lens 18-55mm to a Canon EOS 70D 20mp with a 50mm, 18-55mm, 75-300mm and some macro wide angle lenses plus filters. If you're not into cameras it's like going from a promise ring to an engagement ring or dinner at McDonald's to Dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings lol idk I'm bad at comparisons. The point is I now have the one thing I've been dreaming of for the past year and it's just sitting in my closet. Life has lost its color and luster. I never saw it coming.

Lately I've been watching "GLEE" (Don't judge me) and I identified a lot with Rachel- loves the star light, looks at the bright side, bubbly and up beat, always wanting more and going for it, but that has changed.
Whats going on with me? Today was the first day since he left that I haven't cried (yet)... Last week we were out with a bad cold, and this week we fell victim of a nasty stomach virus. The stench of vomit still lurks around as I type. I've been handling it like "Super mom" (thanks Ash) on the exterior, but I'm falling apart inside.
I've always taken pride in being a strong and independent woman with my own goals and desires... so why does this seem so damn hard? (here come the water works) My husband and I are not  spiritually equally yoked, but regardless he is the priest of our home & I miss him so very much.I need his leadership and comfort. I haven't been reading my bible lately... I haven't missed service, and I listen to worship music everyday but I just can't open my bible. I guess I'm just afraid of what God may say...
When I first started reading the bible back in 2010 I didn't know what the heck I was reading. It seemed like a lot of names and numbers. Some kind of history or documentary... but as I kept reading and attending bible studies I kept hearing the the Bible is the breathing living word of God.

So I prayed, that God would open my eyes and my mind, that he would prepare  my heart and my ears so that I could hear from him, and soon after started to read between the lines..I can't remember where but somewhere in the bible it says that that not everyone with ears can hear and not everyone with eyes can see. He spoke in parables so only the ones who cared enough and worked to decipher the message would receive it. Sometimes I would read something I would interpret in my world and before the day was over it would come to pass. Like a foreshadowing, I could hear the direction my life would take. The bible is full of promises, great ones at that. But just as God gives, he takes away. Take Job for example.

As I type this I feel a conviction saying "we can move the hand of God in our favor, don't be afraid" so right here & right now I declare that it's time to let the light back into my life. It's time I let go & let God correct the settings of my life. I don't want to live afraid in  darkness

Every night I ask God to clear the road ahead of him and that his word be the lamp to his feet and the light to his path, because as my day ends, his day begins. I know that the only way I'll get through this time without him is with Christ, because his strength is made perfect in my weakness. It's my turn to take the dare to be loved.

If you or a loved one is serving or has served overseas, I thank you for your sacrifices from the bottom of my heart. And if you were wondering- Yes, we're all wearing red in our home today. It's REDD Friday: Remember Every Daddy Deployed. God Bless you.


Matthew 6: 22-23
  "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

The only thing sadder than being blind is to have sight but no vision. 

Fitness: It's more than Physical

 Before I decided to commit myself to a lifestyle change, I never really gave thought to why it is important. I mean yeah, there's benefits to working out. It means I could loose a little weight, and maybe feel a little better about myself. After all cardiovascular exercise is good for your heart, and thus for your wallet (less medical expenses in the future) But as good as that sounds, it just wasn't all that motivating...

After all I'm married & my husband loves me no matter what size I wear. I could probably just fix my depression (due to over eating & lack of self love) with some anti-depressants. If I feel fine right now- We can just deal with the future & medical issues when I get there... right????

But...Is not working out OK? Am I benefiting from settling and not trying to improve? Am I just meant to just be fine with being unhappy with my weight & the size of my jeans? And Is being too busy, or not having enough money right now (because I don't prioritize my health over Netflix, fast food & gas to drive to the store that's just 3 blocks away) an acceptable excuse for putting off self improvement?

Excuses after excuses (that seemed like reasonable reasons) kept me from making the change for a while. I stayed sick & tired of being sick & tired and it made me even more sick & tired... and then I came across this:

Instantly I felt convicted... We were made in the image of Christ, our lives were purchased at a very high price, and my body is a temple... but I sure wasn't treating it like so...
Was my lifestyle a reflection of my faith? Was I honoring God with my body and giving him glory with my habits? I got to thinking about the 7 deadly sins... (as defined in Wiki)

• 3.1 Lust Lust is equivalent to intense desire which could involve the intense desire of sex, pleasure, money, food, fame, or power as well. 

Have you ever lusted after food? Have you ever watched a commercial about food and suddenly got the craving? Did you mouth water as you visualized the flavors in your mouth, and the satisfaction in your tummy? A common term on the web these days to describe a succulent meal  is "Food Porn" . Food has become an idol to some of us. I'm not immune to this! I often battle between starting my day with Shakeology (meal replacement shake) followed by healthy less appealing food that nourishes me instead of just indulging in fatty deliciousness...

• 3.2 Gluttony Gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste, the excessive desire for food causes it to be withheld from the needy, gluttony can be interpreted as selfishness; essentially placing concern with one's own interests above the well-being or interests of others. A more expansive view of gluttony, could also include an obsessive anticipation of meals, and the constant eating of delicacies and excessively costly food. 

If you are: eating too soon, eating too expensively, eating too much, eating too eagerly, eating too daintily or eating wildly you might be guilty of gluttony. Are you the first one to dig in to the platter and fight over the last piece?? I know I have

• 3.3 Greed Greed is an inordinate desire to acquire or possess more than one needs, especially with respect to material wealth. 

Are there any holes in your pockets? Is there maybe something that you're spending your money on that you don't really need?  Could you put aside an allowance for proper maintenance of your temple? I myself  was hoarding fabric, crafting supplies & bags from 31gifts... they're so cute & adorable!!! I didn't have enough money for a fitness program because I didn't put a value to my body & health- but Jesus decided I was worth his blood!!! Surely I had to make some changes..

• 3.4 Sloth While sloth is sometimes defined as physical laziness, spiritual laziness is emphasized, a sloth has also been defined as a failure to do things that one should do. 

 Personally I think, as a Christian, that spiritual fitness & physical fitness go hand in hand. How can we say we love God and not read our bibles (spiritual bread)? How could we invite Jesus into our hearts & ask the holy spirit to reside in us and not spend at least 25-30 mins at least 5 times a week to maintain his temple? While the Bible doesn't depict Jesus pumping iron it says He walked from one place to another. People followed him- not came to him... He exerted physical effort!! He also showed self control and restraint during his 40 day fast. He, being the son of God, could have made everyone cater to him & carry him around without him having to lift a finger. I know for me It can be difficult to choose to wake up earlier to get a good uninterrupted workout & read my bible while I'd rather just sleep in...

• 3.5 Wrath  Wrath is also known as "rage", can be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger- in its purest form, presents with self-destructiveness, violence, and hate. Feelings of anger can manifest in different ways, including impatience, revenge, and self-destructive behavior, such as drug abuse or suicide.  

Have you ever felt wrath of self? When you tried that 2week diet and lost 10lbs only to gain 12 back? And   instead of trying harder you just binged on food then told yourself off and wondered if you were better off dead??? (I've been there) That's not God's plan for me, not for you either...

• 3.6 Envy  Envy is similar to jealousy in that they both feel discontent towards someone's traits, status, abilities, or rewards. The difference is the envious also desire the entity and covet it.

 Have you ever had that skinny friend who could eat an entire pizza and was still a size 0? "Man I wish I had that metabolism, I wish my clothes fit like that..." This has crossed mine- about my husband! While not all of us are born with the skinny gene, we have the ability to do something about it. Stop wishing and start doing!

• 3.7 Pride  It is identified as believing that one is essentially better than others, failing to acknowledge the accomplishments of others, and excessive admiration of the personal self. 

Oh my friend works out & looks & feels great- whatever- I don't need to do all that. I'm perfect the way I am... (high cholesterol and ALL) I am God's princess and I am under grace- So I can get away with not working out & indulging in yummies... God loves us so much that he gave his only son to die for us even though we were sinners. Jesus died for you... but are you living for him?

 I quickly realized that the path I was on wasn't getting me to a happy destination, they are called the 7 deadly sins for a reason... and we know that the wages of sin is death. It was a WAKE UP call. Since I started my lifestyle transformation journey so much has changed. My mood has improved, my energy has increased, I've lost inches & self wrath. I've been more appreciative of what God has done, in doing and will do. I've dug deeper into his word and rejoice up keeping my temple.

If the physical isn't a motivation to make a change, dig deeper. Where do you want to be this time next year? 5yrs? 10yrs? Is your current lifestyle gonna take you there? Could you improve in any area of your life? While fitness brings along physical benefits, it also brings discipline, it helps build good habits & character.

If you have kids, what are you teaching them? Know that they are watching you, and being influenced by you. What's the example you are setting? Are we ignoring the problems and hoping they go away? Are taking the cheap fix easy way out like popping pills and wrapping something around you for 45mins- or do we set goals, work hard & stick to them?

Being a beach body coach keeps me accountable, I've gotten to meet wonderful people. I've inspired some of them and been able to see a transformation in  my challengers physical & spiritual journey. I'm not writing this post to try to sale you something or influence you to buy from me- I simply wanted to put this out as a self reflection post. Get a DVD @ Walt-mart if that's your budget. The point is to start somewhere. Work hard in all you do and honor God with your actions. Stop polluting your temple.

Dare to be loved & accepted, not just by God, but by yourself.